Bluemoonbaby

 It has been five months since my daughter arrived into this world. Five months of the most unconditional love, devotion, anxiety and stress I have ever experienced. Before I had my daughter, friends warned me about postpartum anxiety and all the rest of the ups and downs. Usually quickly followed by " But that won't happen with you, you were a room leader of a baby room. You'll know exactly what you're doing." Fast forward to the 17th of November at about 1pm when I'd finally been wheeled to the ward. I was totally out of it and asked the midwife "So when do I change her? Do I just feed her when she cries?" The midwife looked puzzled and said "No. You don't want that, just follow her cues like when she sucks on her fists." DUH! I knew this!!! But after birth your mind is gone, and in my case I had a bunch of meds in me and my lower half couldn't move. Those first three months went by in a blur of mastitis, tears, laughter and hours...

  17.3.20 7dp5dt- I think we may have done it guys…I think I might be pregnant! Yesterday I experienced period cramps, a headache and slight nausea. I put it down to giving up caffeine and told my husband to not get his hopes up because I was pretty sure we were out. I had period like cramps   last time and it wasn’t good news. So I was sure that I would wake up to see the red demon dancing in my pants soon. I was having a dream where I was sitting on a wall made of rocks at night, my dreams have been vivid. I told the random dream person “You know I feel a bit sick, I think I’m going to take a test when I wake up.” My husband’s alarm for work went off, I woke up and still felt sickish. I took the clear blue test expecting the stark white line to stay. As I prepared to bin it, a very slight line appeared. What the fuck. I stared longer, turned on the lights held it up looked again. Nope, a definite faint line. I ran in woke my husband up and dragged him to the loo “Do yo...

Written February 2020 21.2.20 Today is my husband’s birthday! Yey! We started the day with a scan at the hospital, everything’s looking good and we start our second lot of meds. Not until the 25th though, so just the usual until then. For his birthday we stayed at…The Malmaison! My fantasy run away from infertility came partly true. Can I just say, the staff are so incredibly lovely here and are just the most attentive and friendly people. We had a drink at the bar, bantered with the bar staff then went for dinner at rodizio rico, I highly recommend. It was such a wonderful time, we just enjoyed each other’s company and forgot about the infertility shit for a bit. I then did my shot at the hotel before we headed out to the next outing I had planned. I had planned for us to go to a secret 1920’s speakeasy bar. Also…I finally had the beef bao bun!!!!! It was everything I could have wished for and more. It was incredible! I really loved this weekend, I think I’ll remember it for ye...

  Need I remind you all that this blog was in fact written pre covid times back in February 2020. See how a beef bao bun got me through the next week of treatment.

  Again, please note this diary was written back in February 2020 when covid was just a sparkle in your eye. I talk a lot about cancelling plans and not wanting to go out, little did I know that in a months time this wish would come true. Soz guys!

  Let me transport you back to a pre covid time, a time where a stranger could cough next to you and only cause a mild discomfort instead of pure panic. A time where you could embrace your friends and family without any worries. This is my mad FET diary, that I finally feel ready to share now my darling daughter is here safely asleep next to me. Let us go on a journey through time and space, back to February 2020.

Transfer day: Transfer day was upon us, we were so excited! I had to take the horrid progesterone beforehand, the one that melts in your pants and makes you feel depressed and bloated. However, on this day I was excited! I tried to drink water as instructed in the car, and popped the Valium my doctor prescribed me half way into the journey. I needed Valium as I have a scarred cervix due to LLETZ surgery and passing anything through can be rather painful. If you find it painful too, ask for Valium. We set off an hour and fifteen minutes ahead of our transfer time. Then we got stuck in traffic, and were 30 minutes late for our appointment. Luckily my Valium kicked in and I gave no shits.  I rang the hospital relaxed and explained we were late even though we set off with more than enough time. My husband stress fully parked outside as I got upstairs, the process was rushed as the doctor went quickly through the paper work. He had surgeries to do after all and we were 30 minutes beh...

After months of waiting, one hysteroscopy and hundreds of prods of my lady area it was finally our turn. We had kind of given up, having being told IVF would probably start in 2020. However, upon recovering from my operation I called the clinic and they scheduled another embryo trial transfer straight away. It was successful. That meant, we would be starting our first cycle of IVF October 2019! The same week as national fertility week. This had to be some sort of crazy sign from the universe. IVF: We had our meeting again with our Dr and the nurses, they talked through all the procedure again then told me to call them as soon as my period starts. W e went out for food after, it didn't seem real. We had so many set backs I was afraid to allow myself to get excited. So I just felt gut wrenchingly sick, I stared at my food and was unable to eat. I felt like someone was going to call us and take it all away from us again.  After a few days had passed and I was convinced it wa...

Next week is our information counselling, I believe this is the step right before or start of the whole IVF cycle. I don't really know what to expect,  but from what I've read they will talk us through in detail about it all and what we need to do. I am shitting it. Every time we have an appointment, something has gone wrong or we have had a set back. I am so nervous for this to be the case again. I haven't been great lately, not sleeping much and eating very little. Every time I have tried to eat a proper meal this week I have felt like throwing up. I do suffer with anxiety, and this is a really anxious time for me. I am so scared too walk in and for them to say "Sorry, we have to abandon this cycle." Or "We can do it we just need to do another op." I can't handle anymore set backs on my journey to my baby.  Also, I am still working full time with children even though I have requested to reduce my hours. There are tons of germs and illnesses fly...

Welcome to our new, more expensive in the long run, wilder, 'cooler' journey with ICSI.  That was me trying to tell it to myself. ICSI is the same exact process as IVF, but they pick the best swimmers and inject it into the egg. I've included a link of a video in the ICSI bit above. I watched it and was a bit jarred by how they tried to flick the egg off the holding place, but I guess they know what they're doing and won't crack the eggs. "But girl." I hear you all say, "didn't you say  you had lots of eggs and your husband's sperm was fine now, so why ICSI all of a sudden?" Sit down, grab a hot cup of tea or coffee and a snack. Because I'm about to tell you some shit that's going to blow your brain! Waiting: The waiting room was beautiful, carved wood and patterned 18th century ceilings and a free coffee machine. I hadn't had much time to get ready, so my hair was soaking wet and I just about had time to draw o...

I like to think in this photograph of the SATC girls Miranda is saying something to the crew like "So then the bitch told me to relax and I'd get pregnant." Samantha's like, "WTF dude that's not an OK thing to say." Carrie's laughing 'cause can't relate she's a single pringle who cba with the kids thing. Charlotte's smiling sweetly thinking "Oh honey, it's only going to get worse from here..." I'm damn Charlotte at this moment in my life, smiling at my friends and people I meet. Not wanting to tell them too much about all the hurtful and annoying comments people will be making about their journey. Or the fact you have to share such intimate details of your life that you would never share with anyone. Welcome darlings to the world of infertility, a club that no one really wants to be part of.  I'm going to try and prepare you somewhat, using real life things people have said to me. I'll also t...

My actual face So today was our official meeting with out IVF consultant, however she wasn't there so we saw another doctor. We arrived half an hour early, and our appointment was pushed back when we arrived by an hour. It's an odd feeling sitting in the waiting room with a mixture of people there, some waiting for blood tests others obviously waiting for the same thing we were. Waiting Game: I sat next to my husband, looking across the sea of anxious couples holding hands and kissing foreheads. I saw nothing but hope, strength and love. It was overwhelming at times, this process seems so negative, but look at the love. I wanted to stand up and go "Hey guys you all going through infertility too? Shall we sit in a circle and talk about our feelings?" However I think that would have been frowned upon. So I sat quietly twirling my hair, something I do when I'm nervous, and holding my husband's hand. He was so nervous too, but smiled and reassured me i...

Today I took the leap and asked for something I have been wanting to ask for a long time for myself. I have struggled dealing with the chronic fatigue that endometriosis and PCOS can bring. My body has been feeling weaker, I have been ill for longer and get ill very quickly. My body is in constant fight or flight mode, which makes healing difficult. Team that with a lack of adequate rest, and it's a recipe for disaster! Especially when you know you're going to be putting yourself through the most physically and mentally draining time of your life. I asked my boss about going part time, and she was incredibly supportive. So much so it made my cry, surprise surprise as I'm an emotional wreck atm. I have my formal meet  tomorrow to see what's next, and of course my next IVF appointment to meet my doctor on Friday.  I feel for me personally, going through work full time would not put me physically and mentally where I need to be. I get I am very lucky to be able to do thi...

And as I sat here typing on my laptop, I thought for a moment...Could I give other ladies tips and tricks for dealing with trying for a baby? And that answer is, I can try. Hello my ttcers! I've had a few people both online and in real life ask for some advice for trying for a baby. How I laughed and laughed, as I am yet to actually successfully become with child. However, I do have pretty much a bachelors degree in trying. So here is some of my advice for when you're trying for a baby: Take  400 micrograms of folic acid BEFORE you get preggers. Folic acid is essential in aiding a healthy pregnancy and healthy development of your baby. I use Ante natal forte from the natural dispensary , this was recommended to me by my nutritionist. I started taking mine as soon as we started trying, but you can take it for however long beforehand. Get a fertility check up with your doctor. Go with your partner and let them know you are trying, they'll give you some proper med...

Image from Mosie Baby website On the sixth month of ttc desperation I started to look for anything to make the journey shorter. I researched my ass off and found some people use at home self insemination kits. They simply use their devices to swoop up the sperm and place it where it needs to be. Simple! Plus if I'm honest, the very frequent sex was beginning to get a bit boring. The fun and spontaneity had truly gone, it was a chore at times. A self insemination kit seemed like the easy solution for getting our sanity and sex life back while also still trying for a baby. So I did what any millennial does best, I googled the shit out of it. I saw some people used turkey basters, despite having one in the kitchen draw I decided this wasn't for  me. The thought of shoving a kitchen utensil up myself just wasn't appealing. The whole self insemination thing was strange enough on it's own for me.  I then found that some people also thought the turkey baster w...

These past few weeks have been about celebrating turning 29 and getting back into the flow of working life. Something has shifted within me since my 29th birthday, and I'm not quite sure what it is. The week before my birthday I was filled with this immense feeling of happiness and gratitude for my life. I felt free, excited and happy where I am at. Children didn't effect me, going to a park didn't shift my mood. I hope it's here to stay. I keep having dreams about being pregnant lately or having a baby. The other day in my dream we had a one year old girl who was so adorable. I was carrying her around our home, which in my dream wasn't our home that we're in now, and just smiling. I asked my husband where we got her from, "Did we adopt her? Did I give birth to her?" I asked him, he was just as puzzled as I was. I took care of her, bathed her before bed time and carefully styled her black hair into ponytails. It was a surreal dream. Last night I dr...

As I sit here approaching my 29th year on this Earth I can't help but reflect on the time that has passed. Someone once told me your twenties are the years for making mistakes. I definitely took that on board, I made some really fun mistakes and learned from every single one. It's mad how much your twenties shape you and change your life. When I first turned 20 I got a real job working in childcare. I was a young 20, lived at home still and knew nothing about the real world. I hated my job, I left after six months and applied to university. When I turned 21 I moved up North to study Early Years, it was my first time living away from home. I learned so much about myself and grew as a person.  I thought I'd take some time to reflect on my twenties and my own personal journey through what have been the most incredible years of my life thus far. Over the years I have had many dates, had a few serious boyfriends and gotten engaged and married. Friends have come, gone out with ...

I know quite a few people in the infertile community who work with children. Teachers, nursery practitioners, teaching assistants that all find it at times hard. I myself also work with children, and I think this can cause emotional stress and upset during my down days. One time in a forum I shared my struggles on someone's post, and I was shut down by them. They said they just feel thankful to see other people's children and blessed to be in their presence which is lovely. However, it is not how many of us feel especially when we are surrounded by the one thing we long  for the most. I think the most important thing we can do is support each other and not shame each other for the struggles we are going through. Luckily, I had a lot of support from the same forum from others who found it hard, and many of those are women who work with children. One person will find IVF and the thought of having IVF a breeze. One person might hate the thought of IVF and be reading up on everyt...

What can  I say about this year gone by? It has been both wonderful and crazy. It seems each year when I sit back and think "Nothing will top the madness and mayhem of this." Something else surely comes to prove me wrong the following year. I guess that's part and parcel with growing up some would say. 2018 highlights would have to be the arrival of my gorgeous little niece and watching my nephews grow in their characters.  Another would be watching our two little fur babies grow too. Our spaniel seems to have matured a lot more which is nice for us. He  no longer wants to rip everything up  and our Pom is getting better at not pissing on the new rug. There really are so many wonderful moments looking back, I can't grumble too much. Friends have gotten engaged, married and even expecting little ones of their own. Some have bought houses or taken the next step into their wildest adventures. We too took the plunge into our wildest adventure, confronting our fertili...