Bluemoonbaby

  Need I remind you all that this blog was in fact written pre covid times back in February 2020. See how a beef bao bun got me through the next week of treatment.

  Again, please note this diary was written back in February 2020 when covid was just a sparkle in your eye. I talk a lot about cancelling plans and not wanting to go out, little did I know that in a months time this wish would come true. Soz guys!

  Let me transport you back to a pre covid time, a time where a stranger could cough next to you and only cause a mild discomfort instead of pure panic. A time where you could embrace your friends and family without any worries. This is my mad FET diary, that I finally feel ready to share now my darling daughter is here safely asleep next to me. Let us go on a journey through time and space, back to February 2020.

Transfer day: Transfer day was upon us, we were so excited! I had to take the horrid progesterone beforehand, the one that melts in your pants and makes you feel depressed and bloated. However, on this day I was excited! I tried to drink water as instructed in the car, and popped the Valium my doctor prescribed me half way into the journey. I needed Valium as I have a scarred cervix due to LLETZ surgery and passing anything through can be rather painful. If you find it painful too, ask for Valium. We set off an hour and fifteen minutes ahead of our transfer time. Then we got stuck in traffic, and were 30 minutes late for our appointment. Luckily my Valium kicked in and I gave no shits.  I rang the hospital relaxed and explained we were late even though we set off with more than enough time. My husband stress fully parked outside as I got upstairs, the process was rushed as the doctor went quickly through the paper work. He had surgeries to do after all and we were 30 minutes beh...

Next week is our information counselling, I believe this is the step right before or start of the whole IVF cycle. I don't really know what to expect,  but from what I've read they will talk us through in detail about it all and what we need to do. I am shitting it. Every time we have an appointment, something has gone wrong or we have had a set back. I am so nervous for this to be the case again. I haven't been great lately, not sleeping much and eating very little. Every time I have tried to eat a proper meal this week I have felt like throwing up. I do suffer with anxiety, and this is a really anxious time for me. I am so scared too walk in and for them to say "Sorry, we have to abandon this cycle." Or "We can do it we just need to do another op." I can't handle anymore set backs on my journey to my baby.  Also, I am still working full time with children even though I have requested to reduce my hours. There are tons of germs and illnesses fly...

Welcome to our new, more expensive in the long run, wilder, 'cooler' journey with ICSI.  That was me trying to tell it to myself. ICSI is the same exact process as IVF, but they pick the best swimmers and inject it into the egg. I've included a link of a video in the ICSI bit above. I watched it and was a bit jarred by how they tried to flick the egg off the holding place, but I guess they know what they're doing and won't crack the eggs. "But girl." I hear you all say, "didn't you say  you had lots of eggs and your husband's sperm was fine now, so why ICSI all of a sudden?" Sit down, grab a hot cup of tea or coffee and a snack. Because I'm about to tell you some shit that's going to blow your brain! Waiting: The waiting room was beautiful, carved wood and patterned 18th century ceilings and a free coffee machine. I hadn't had much time to get ready, so my hair was soaking wet and I just about had time to draw o...

My actual face So today was our official meeting with out IVF consultant, however she wasn't there so we saw another doctor. We arrived half an hour early, and our appointment was pushed back when we arrived by an hour. It's an odd feeling sitting in the waiting room with a mixture of people there, some waiting for blood tests others obviously waiting for the same thing we were. Waiting Game: I sat next to my husband, looking across the sea of anxious couples holding hands and kissing foreheads. I saw nothing but hope, strength and love. It was overwhelming at times, this process seems so negative, but look at the love. I wanted to stand up and go "Hey guys you all going through infertility too? Shall we sit in a circle and talk about our feelings?" However I think that would have been frowned upon. So I sat quietly twirling my hair, something I do when I'm nervous, and holding my husband's hand. He was so nervous too, but smiled and reassured me i...

I know quite a few people in the infertile community who work with children. Teachers, nursery practitioners, teaching assistants that all find it at times hard. I myself also work with children, and I think this can cause emotional stress and upset during my down days. One time in a forum I shared my struggles on someone's post, and I was shut down by them. They said they just feel thankful to see other people's children and blessed to be in their presence which is lovely. However, it is not how many of us feel especially when we are surrounded by the one thing we long  for the most. I think the most important thing we can do is support each other and not shame each other for the struggles we are going through. Luckily, I had a lot of support from the same forum from others who found it hard, and many of those are women who work with children. One person will find IVF and the thought of having IVF a breeze. One person might hate the thought of IVF and be reading up on everyt...

Last night was the first time in a while I went out and didn't feel like an infertile person. It was fantastic! The Christmas works do was last night and I allowed myself to have a few drinks and let loose. Not just let loose, but be my fun non work self. I glammed myself up to the max, I may not have this figure next year. I danced and attempted to twerk and really stopped giving a shit. I think once you go through so much crap as an adult you care less about what others think and are braver to show your true self. I really enjoyed it. The holidays can be the shittest time for us lot. Surrounded by family members and their families, and of course tons of kids everywhere. If you don't mind being around kids, then great. If like me you sometimes struggle that's fine too. Hopefully family members can be supportive and understand why you may not see them as much. Also seeing family members who know the situation and having to relay the story again and again to everyone you...

During my journey I have looked out for ways to feel less alone and more prepared. I feel nothing can prepare you like a good old fashioned book. I love holding a physical book and being able to go back to it anytime I want. Even when the wifi is down your book is around! Here are a few of my fave books that helped equip me through my journey. Fertile By Emma Cannon: Emma is truly an expert nutritionist who  takes a holistic approach when it comes to fertility. Emma is a firm believer in the phrase 'let food be thy medicine.' She gives you detailed tips and diet plans to help toward curing what ales ya!  My favourite thing about this book is how tailored it is. Emma tries to recreate the experience you would get if you visited her actual office. I had no idea there were certain foods I should eat at certain points in my cycle until this book!  She guides you through different tendencies you may have like cold, hot and stagnant. Teaming Chinese medicine, ...

I'm feeling much better today thankfully, the cramping and bleeding has stopped. I am still very tired but able to get on with life. I left the house for a shopping trip to Aldi which was nice. I also managed to briefly see my sister to say bye before she went off to London. I actually feel a lot better now, still anxious as hell but better than before. I think sleeping all day and most of the night yesterday has been a big help. I'm trying not to think too much into what next week might hold. I'm still trying to explain to people what happened and that can be exhausting. The fact the procedure didn't go according to plan is causing a bit of confusion. So sometimes I have to explain that I am  in pain as they did try, but it didn't go into my womb. God knows how I'm going to explain IVF to everyone! I'm feeling more positive about the journey too. I'm hoping for the best and hoping it can get done and out the way with ASAP. It's the waiting whi...

It is exactly one day since my hystro and I am wide awake at 6am. I have some cramping and inflammation but the bleeding has lightened up a lot. I am relaxing today with a nice cup of tea. I am feeling incredibly emotional today, tired and frustrated. I tried listening to a sleep meditation to help me but  it didn't work. I kept having all these thoughts swim through my mind that I couldn't clear. The main ones being OK so what IS next? When will the operation be and where will it be? Can I go through all this? Do I have the strength? Am I going to be OK? The truth is, I don't know. I can't afford to worry about work like I always do.  Worrying about letting people down or people thinking I'm having too much time off. It's all part of my anxiety. This time, I can't let that effect me. I'm worrying if my inflammation and pain doesn't go in time for Monday I will miss the Christmas play we have worked so hard towards. Worrying about work is futile ...

Today I went for my Hysterosdkhfaja as I like to call it because I can't pronounce it. I psyched myself up for this shit. Waiting for my period to arrive felt like forever. I had to call the hospital as soon as it did and was hoping it would never arrive and I'd fall pregnant. I didn't, as per tradition for me.  What is a Hysterosalpinogram I hear you ask? It's when a catheter is passed through your cervix, the balloon is pumped to hold it in and you are filled with dye. They then scan you to check if your tubes are blocked. Fun times all around! And no, the dye isn't a fun pink sparkly colour it is just clear. In case you were curious. Girl, now let me tell you the truth-it does hurt when they are trying to put it in. I say trying because mine didn't work out. Even the speculum was uncomfortable and a bit painful. My LLETZ scarred my cervix and they tried four different catheters and not one would go all the way in. The last was very firm and hurt like a mot...