Bluemoonbaby

Written February 2020 21.2.20 Today is my husband’s birthday! Yey! We started the day with a scan at the hospital, everything’s looking good and we start our second lot of meds. Not until the 25th though, so just the usual until then. For his birthday we stayed at…The Malmaison! My fantasy run away from infertility came partly true. Can I just say, the staff are so incredibly lovely here and are just the most attentive and friendly people. We had a drink at the bar, bantered with the bar staff then went for dinner at rodizio rico, I highly recommend. It was such a wonderful time, we just enjoyed each other’s company and forgot about the infertility shit for a bit. I then did my shot at the hotel before we headed out to the next outing I had planned. I had planned for us to go to a secret 1920’s speakeasy bar. Also…I finally had the beef bao bun!!!!! It was everything I could have wished for and more. It was incredible! I really loved this weekend, I think I’ll remember it for ye...

Transfer day: Transfer day was upon us, we were so excited! I had to take the horrid progesterone beforehand, the one that melts in your pants and makes you feel depressed and bloated. However, on this day I was excited! I tried to drink water as instructed in the car, and popped the Valium my doctor prescribed me half way into the journey. I needed Valium as I have a scarred cervix due to LLETZ surgery and passing anything through can be rather painful. If you find it painful too, ask for Valium. We set off an hour and fifteen minutes ahead of our transfer time. Then we got stuck in traffic, and were 30 minutes late for our appointment. Luckily my Valium kicked in and I gave no shits.  I rang the hospital relaxed and explained we were late even though we set off with more than enough time. My husband stress fully parked outside as I got upstairs, the process was rushed as the doctor went quickly through the paper work. He had surgeries to do after all and we were 30 minutes beh...

After months of waiting, one hysteroscopy and hundreds of prods of my lady area it was finally our turn. We had kind of given up, having being told IVF would probably start in 2020. However, upon recovering from my operation I called the clinic and they scheduled another embryo trial transfer straight away. It was successful. That meant, we would be starting our first cycle of IVF October 2019! The same week as national fertility week. This had to be some sort of crazy sign from the universe. IVF: We had our meeting again with our Dr and the nurses, they talked through all the procedure again then told me to call them as soon as my period starts. W e went out for food after, it didn't seem real. We had so many set backs I was afraid to allow myself to get excited. So I just felt gut wrenchingly sick, I stared at my food and was unable to eat. I felt like someone was going to call us and take it all away from us again.  After a few days had passed and I was convinced it wa...

It feels good to be back. I've missed connecting with you all and sharing mine and my husbands journey with you. I've decided to continue blogging. I am also writing this quite hungover. Haters gonna hate! So, not long ago now we had to go in for an embryo transfer trial. This is basically the embryo transfer done with some solution. The technician presses down on your stomach with the ultrasound, this is fun because your bladder is full, then the doctor tries to push a catheter through your cervix to place the embryo. Not everyone has to have a trial of this, but I'm special! I have a scarred cervix due to a lletz  procedure I had done a while ago. The doctor suggested we do this to just make sure since my HSG was such a massive flop. Waiting, again: A few days before the trial we had our information counselling. This is where they talk through IVF in detail with you. They show you a little flip chart of how things should go, what drugs to take, when to take them ...

Next week is our information counselling, I believe this is the step right before or start of the whole IVF cycle. I don't really know what to expect,  but from what I've read they will talk us through in detail about it all and what we need to do. I am shitting it. Every time we have an appointment, something has gone wrong or we have had a set back. I am so nervous for this to be the case again. I haven't been great lately, not sleeping much and eating very little. Every time I have tried to eat a proper meal this week I have felt like throwing up. I do suffer with anxiety, and this is a really anxious time for me. I am so scared too walk in and for them to say "Sorry, we have to abandon this cycle." Or "We can do it we just need to do another op." I can't handle anymore set backs on my journey to my baby.  Also, I am still working full time with children even though I have requested to reduce my hours. There are tons of germs and illnesses fly...

My actual face So today was our official meeting with out IVF consultant, however she wasn't there so we saw another doctor. We arrived half an hour early, and our appointment was pushed back when we arrived by an hour. It's an odd feeling sitting in the waiting room with a mixture of people there, some waiting for blood tests others obviously waiting for the same thing we were. Waiting Game: I sat next to my husband, looking across the sea of anxious couples holding hands and kissing foreheads. I saw nothing but hope, strength and love. It was overwhelming at times, this process seems so negative, but look at the love. I wanted to stand up and go "Hey guys you all going through infertility too? Shall we sit in a circle and talk about our feelings?" However I think that would have been frowned upon. So I sat quietly twirling my hair, something I do when I'm nervous, and holding my husband's hand. He was so nervous too, but smiled and reassured me i...

And as I sat here typing on my laptop, I thought for a moment...Could I give other ladies tips and tricks for dealing with trying for a baby? And that answer is, I can try. Hello my ttcers! I've had a few people both online and in real life ask for some advice for trying for a baby. How I laughed and laughed, as I am yet to actually successfully become with child. However, I do have pretty much a bachelors degree in trying. So here is some of my advice for when you're trying for a baby: Take  400 micrograms of folic acid BEFORE you get preggers. Folic acid is essential in aiding a healthy pregnancy and healthy development of your baby. I use Ante natal forte from the natural dispensary , this was recommended to me by my nutritionist. I started taking mine as soon as we started trying, but you can take it for however long beforehand. Get a fertility check up with your doctor. Go with your partner and let them know you are trying, they'll give you some proper med...

Image from Mosie Baby website On the sixth month of ttc desperation I started to look for anything to make the journey shorter. I researched my ass off and found some people use at home self insemination kits. They simply use their devices to swoop up the sperm and place it where it needs to be. Simple! Plus if I'm honest, the very frequent sex was beginning to get a bit boring. The fun and spontaneity had truly gone, it was a chore at times. A self insemination kit seemed like the easy solution for getting our sanity and sex life back while also still trying for a baby. So I did what any millennial does best, I googled the shit out of it. I saw some people used turkey basters, despite having one in the kitchen draw I decided this wasn't for  me. The thought of shoving a kitchen utensil up myself just wasn't appealing. The whole self insemination thing was strange enough on it's own for me.  I then found that some people also thought the turkey baster w...

These past few weeks have been about celebrating turning 29 and getting back into the flow of working life. Something has shifted within me since my 29th birthday, and I'm not quite sure what it is. The week before my birthday I was filled with this immense feeling of happiness and gratitude for my life. I felt free, excited and happy where I am at. Children didn't effect me, going to a park didn't shift my mood. I hope it's here to stay. I keep having dreams about being pregnant lately or having a baby. The other day in my dream we had a one year old girl who was so adorable. I was carrying her around our home, which in my dream wasn't our home that we're in now, and just smiling. I asked my husband where we got her from, "Did we adopt her? Did I give birth to her?" I asked him, he was just as puzzled as I was. I took care of her, bathed her before bed time and carefully styled her black hair into ponytails. It was a surreal dream. Last night I dr...

What can  I say about this year gone by? It has been both wonderful and crazy. It seems each year when I sit back and think "Nothing will top the madness and mayhem of this." Something else surely comes to prove me wrong the following year. I guess that's part and parcel with growing up some would say. 2018 highlights would have to be the arrival of my gorgeous little niece and watching my nephews grow in their characters.  Another would be watching our two little fur babies grow too. Our spaniel seems to have matured a lot more which is nice for us. He  no longer wants to rip everything up  and our Pom is getting better at not pissing on the new rug. There really are so many wonderful moments looking back, I can't grumble too much. Friends have gotten engaged, married and even expecting little ones of their own. Some have bought houses or taken the next step into their wildest adventures. We too took the plunge into our wildest adventure, confronting our fertili...

On the weekend I went Christmas shopping, kind of last minute as I've had a lot happen. I felt fine that week, I didn't think about being infertile too often or the whole IVF thing. Or the fact ours has now been pushed back to an unconfirmed date. I'd let myself eat, drink and be merry. I was fine shopping until I took myself for lunch, something I do every now and then as I enjoy my own company. However this time was different, this time I was very aware that I was surrounded by families. Mums chasing toddlers, kids colouring, families laughing, parents pissed off that their kid won't eat. I suddenly felt alone, very alone without my non existent baby. I kept my head down and finished my meal. Then I noticed a Mum holding her baby while her toddler ate on the sofa next to her staring at me. She looked a little tired, but happy still with a half smile. I wondered, was she watching me wishing that she could have a solo lunch just one more time without puke on her top a...

Last night was the first time in a while I went out and didn't feel like an infertile person. It was fantastic! The Christmas works do was last night and I allowed myself to have a few drinks and let loose. Not just let loose, but be my fun non work self. I glammed myself up to the max, I may not have this figure next year. I danced and attempted to twerk and really stopped giving a shit. I think once you go through so much crap as an adult you care less about what others think and are braver to show your true self. I really enjoyed it. The holidays can be the shittest time for us lot. Surrounded by family members and their families, and of course tons of kids everywhere. If you don't mind being around kids, then great. If like me you sometimes struggle that's fine too. Hopefully family members can be supportive and understand why you may not see them as much. Also seeing family members who know the situation and having to relay the story again and again to everyone you...

During my journey I have looked out for ways to feel less alone and more prepared. I feel nothing can prepare you like a good old fashioned book. I love holding a physical book and being able to go back to it anytime I want. Even when the wifi is down your book is around! Here are a few of my fave books that helped equip me through my journey. Fertile By Emma Cannon: Emma is truly an expert nutritionist who  takes a holistic approach when it comes to fertility. Emma is a firm believer in the phrase 'let food be thy medicine.' She gives you detailed tips and diet plans to help toward curing what ales ya!  My favourite thing about this book is how tailored it is. Emma tries to recreate the experience you would get if you visited her actual office. I had no idea there were certain foods I should eat at certain points in my cycle until this book!  She guides you through different tendencies you may have like cold, hot and stagnant. Teaming Chinese medicine, ...

I'm feeling much better today thankfully, the cramping and bleeding has stopped. I am still very tired but able to get on with life. I left the house for a shopping trip to Aldi which was nice. I also managed to briefly see my sister to say bye before she went off to London. I actually feel a lot better now, still anxious as hell but better than before. I think sleeping all day and most of the night yesterday has been a big help. I'm trying not to think too much into what next week might hold. I'm still trying to explain to people what happened and that can be exhausting. The fact the procedure didn't go according to plan is causing a bit of confusion. So sometimes I have to explain that I am  in pain as they did try, but it didn't go into my womb. God knows how I'm going to explain IVF to everyone! I'm feeling more positive about the journey too. I'm hoping for the best and hoping it can get done and out the way with ASAP. It's the waiting whi...

During these dark times of life I like to try and remind myself of the good things going on. That seldom works so here's a list of stuff that kind of made  me crack a smile. Ru Paul's Drag Race- If you need a break from watching youtubers talking about their DPO's and IVF treatment this is for you! Ru Paul has some great quotes to live by, some have helped me through my journey. The Queens are fabulous and so amazing to watch. The comedy factor and bitchiness is a nice distraction from  my life. You can find the series on Netflix! People Bringing Gifts- Now it may seem odd to you when people give you gifts for your infertility journey. Personally I didn't realise how much a simple gift would help perk me up pre and post procedures. My sisters made me a hamper to pamper myself through my journey, friends bought me flowers, another friend made me a pamper hamper for my procedure. These little tokens are much appreciated and show that people are there for you. Th...

Those who said "If at first you don't succeed, try and try again." Obviously never had a HSG with a  scarred cervix and retroverted uterus. My lovely nurse, let's call her D, rang after my desperate email about how my HSG did not go well. I explained the four tries, the pain both physically and emotionally. She is honestly the nicest person ever. She suggested they might dilate my cervix and the doctor may want to have a look herself to see what the next steps are. So it's hopefully just a brief waiting game. I'll have to contact D on Tuesday to remind her as obvs she is so busy. It must be a very rewarding but depressing job. I don't know how she does it all! I had to visit the doctors Friday as the pain was unbearable and my womb had swollen up. She wasn't sure what was causing it however suggested it could be infected. So she prescribed me some strong antibiotics and diazepam to help ease the cramps and my anxiety. I cried at her, like full brea...

It is exactly one day since my hystro and I am wide awake at 6am. I have some cramping and inflammation but the bleeding has lightened up a lot. I am relaxing today with a nice cup of tea. I am feeling incredibly emotional today, tired and frustrated. I tried listening to a sleep meditation to help me but  it didn't work. I kept having all these thoughts swim through my mind that I couldn't clear. The main ones being OK so what IS next? When will the operation be and where will it be? Can I go through all this? Do I have the strength? Am I going to be OK? The truth is, I don't know. I can't afford to worry about work like I always do.  Worrying about letting people down or people thinking I'm having too much time off. It's all part of my anxiety. This time, I can't let that effect me. I'm worrying if my inflammation and pain doesn't go in time for Monday I will miss the Christmas play we have worked so hard towards. Worrying about work is futile ...

My first three months of ttcing 'properly' were filled with a joyful glee. I'd wee on my little stick every morning, wait for the results, drink my coffee and announce to my husband what was going on. We'd try once in the morning and time it over the next few days, surrounded in a bubble of excitement and hope. I'd shower my nieces and nephews with affection when I'd see them and coo at strangers babies. I'd immediately get tips from my pregnant Mum friends and listen delighted. If it didn't work, oh well it never does this quickly for anyone, there's always next month. Then we'd maybe catch a late night show on TV or go out to our fave spot for dinner. I vowed never to be one of those people who were envious of pregnant people or Mums, they're all miracles and my time would come.  Six months in, I'm yelling at my husband "Come on it says it's a peak day we need to do it now or it won't happen I can't do that again. My ...