Bluemoonbaby

 It has been five months since my daughter arrived into this world. Five months of the most unconditional love, devotion, anxiety and stress I have ever experienced. Before I had my daughter, friends warned me about postpartum anxiety and all the rest of the ups and downs. Usually quickly followed by " But that won't happen with you, you were a room leader of a baby room. You'll know exactly what you're doing." Fast forward to the 17th of November at about 1pm when I'd finally been wheeled to the ward. I was totally out of it and asked the midwife "So when do I change her? Do I just feed her when she cries?" The midwife looked puzzled and said "No. You don't want that, just follow her cues like when she sucks on her fists." DUH! I knew this!!! But after birth your mind is gone, and in my case I had a bunch of meds in me and my lower half couldn't move. Those first three months went by in a blur of mastitis, tears, laughter and hours...

  17.3.20 7dp5dt- I think we may have done it guys…I think I might be pregnant! Yesterday I experienced period cramps, a headache and slight nausea. I put it down to giving up caffeine and told my husband to not get his hopes up because I was pretty sure we were out. I had period like cramps   last time and it wasn’t good news. So I was sure that I would wake up to see the red demon dancing in my pants soon. I was having a dream where I was sitting on a wall made of rocks at night, my dreams have been vivid. I told the random dream person “You know I feel a bit sick, I think I’m going to take a test when I wake up.” My husband’s alarm for work went off, I woke up and still felt sickish. I took the clear blue test expecting the stark white line to stay. As I prepared to bin it, a very slight line appeared. What the fuck. I stared longer, turned on the lights held it up looked again. Nope, a definite faint line. I ran in woke my husband up and dragged him to the loo “Do yo...

  Now let us go forward to March 2020, Miss Rona was in the house spreading herself all over the lands. However, we weren't as afraid of her as we are now. The fertility clinics closed shortly after our transfer and there was a mad rush to fit everyone in.

After being put on the short protocol of IVF/ICSI, daily injections, and daily scans it was time for our egg retrieval. I got up extra early, showered but avoided perfumes as instructed by the nurse. Shaved my lady area so it was semi presentable, and tried to do a nervous poo. Exactly 36 hours after our trigger shot, we were at the hospital at 6.30 am. I waited as Sam parked the car, still feeling not with from lack of sleep and the cocktail of HCG, Fyrmedal and Menopur swimming through my body. The whole experience was a blur. MTV Cribs: Shortly after filling out the correct forms, a nice man appeared to show us to our room. We had a whole fricking room! This was luxury as someone who has had their share of NHS operations. Normally all you get is a shoddy curtain between you. It suddenly became an episode of cribs, I bounced around showing off the assets. Here we had a TV, a wardrobe, a bed and one of those cool slidey tables so you literally don't have to move. There was a ...

It feels good to be back. I've missed connecting with you all and sharing mine and my husbands journey with you. I've decided to continue blogging. I am also writing this quite hungover. Haters gonna hate! So, not long ago now we had to go in for an embryo transfer trial. This is basically the embryo transfer done with some solution. The technician presses down on your stomach with the ultrasound, this is fun because your bladder is full, then the doctor tries to push a catheter through your cervix to place the embryo. Not everyone has to have a trial of this, but I'm special! I have a scarred cervix due to a lletz  procedure I had done a while ago. The doctor suggested we do this to just make sure since my HSG was such a massive flop. Waiting, again: A few days before the trial we had our information counselling. This is where they talk through IVF in detail with you. They show you a little flip chart of how things should go, what drugs to take, when to take them ...

Next week is our information counselling, I believe this is the step right before or start of the whole IVF cycle. I don't really know what to expect,  but from what I've read they will talk us through in detail about it all and what we need to do. I am shitting it. Every time we have an appointment, something has gone wrong or we have had a set back. I am so nervous for this to be the case again. I haven't been great lately, not sleeping much and eating very little. Every time I have tried to eat a proper meal this week I have felt like throwing up. I do suffer with anxiety, and this is a really anxious time for me. I am so scared too walk in and for them to say "Sorry, we have to abandon this cycle." Or "We can do it we just need to do another op." I can't handle anymore set backs on my journey to my baby.  Also, I am still working full time with children even though I have requested to reduce my hours. There are tons of germs and illnesses fly...

Welcome to our new, more expensive in the long run, wilder, 'cooler' journey with ICSI.  That was me trying to tell it to myself. ICSI is the same exact process as IVF, but they pick the best swimmers and inject it into the egg. I've included a link of a video in the ICSI bit above. I watched it and was a bit jarred by how they tried to flick the egg off the holding place, but I guess they know what they're doing and won't crack the eggs. "But girl." I hear you all say, "didn't you say  you had lots of eggs and your husband's sperm was fine now, so why ICSI all of a sudden?" Sit down, grab a hot cup of tea or coffee and a snack. Because I'm about to tell you some shit that's going to blow your brain! Waiting: The waiting room was beautiful, carved wood and patterned 18th century ceilings and a free coffee machine. I hadn't had much time to get ready, so my hair was soaking wet and I just about had time to draw o...

My actual face So today was our official meeting with out IVF consultant, however she wasn't there so we saw another doctor. We arrived half an hour early, and our appointment was pushed back when we arrived by an hour. It's an odd feeling sitting in the waiting room with a mixture of people there, some waiting for blood tests others obviously waiting for the same thing we were. Waiting Game: I sat next to my husband, looking across the sea of anxious couples holding hands and kissing foreheads. I saw nothing but hope, strength and love. It was overwhelming at times, this process seems so negative, but look at the love. I wanted to stand up and go "Hey guys you all going through infertility too? Shall we sit in a circle and talk about our feelings?" However I think that would have been frowned upon. So I sat quietly twirling my hair, something I do when I'm nervous, and holding my husband's hand. He was so nervous too, but smiled and reassured me i...

Image from Mosie Baby website On the sixth month of ttc desperation I started to look for anything to make the journey shorter. I researched my ass off and found some people use at home self insemination kits. They simply use their devices to swoop up the sperm and place it where it needs to be. Simple! Plus if I'm honest, the very frequent sex was beginning to get a bit boring. The fun and spontaneity had truly gone, it was a chore at times. A self insemination kit seemed like the easy solution for getting our sanity and sex life back while also still trying for a baby. So I did what any millennial does best, I googled the shit out of it. I saw some people used turkey basters, despite having one in the kitchen draw I decided this wasn't for  me. The thought of shoving a kitchen utensil up myself just wasn't appealing. The whole self insemination thing was strange enough on it's own for me.  I then found that some people also thought the turkey baster w...

I'm feeling much better today thankfully, the cramping and bleeding has stopped. I am still very tired but able to get on with life. I left the house for a shopping trip to Aldi which was nice. I also managed to briefly see my sister to say bye before she went off to London. I actually feel a lot better now, still anxious as hell but better than before. I think sleeping all day and most of the night yesterday has been a big help. I'm trying not to think too much into what next week might hold. I'm still trying to explain to people what happened and that can be exhausting. The fact the procedure didn't go according to plan is causing a bit of confusion. So sometimes I have to explain that I am  in pain as they did try, but it didn't go into my womb. God knows how I'm going to explain IVF to everyone! I'm feeling more positive about the journey too. I'm hoping for the best and hoping it can get done and out the way with ASAP. It's the waiting whi...

Those who said "If at first you don't succeed, try and try again." Obviously never had a HSG with a  scarred cervix and retroverted uterus. My lovely nurse, let's call her D, rang after my desperate email about how my HSG did not go well. I explained the four tries, the pain both physically and emotionally. She is honestly the nicest person ever. She suggested they might dilate my cervix and the doctor may want to have a look herself to see what the next steps are. So it's hopefully just a brief waiting game. I'll have to contact D on Tuesday to remind her as obvs she is so busy. It must be a very rewarding but depressing job. I don't know how she does it all! I had to visit the doctors Friday as the pain was unbearable and my womb had swollen up. She wasn't sure what was causing it however suggested it could be infected. So she prescribed me some strong antibiotics and diazepam to help ease the cramps and my anxiety. I cried at her, like full brea...

It is exactly one day since my hystro and I am wide awake at 6am. I have some cramping and inflammation but the bleeding has lightened up a lot. I am relaxing today with a nice cup of tea. I am feeling incredibly emotional today, tired and frustrated. I tried listening to a sleep meditation to help me but  it didn't work. I kept having all these thoughts swim through my mind that I couldn't clear. The main ones being OK so what IS next? When will the operation be and where will it be? Can I go through all this? Do I have the strength? Am I going to be OK? The truth is, I don't know. I can't afford to worry about work like I always do.  Worrying about letting people down or people thinking I'm having too much time off. It's all part of my anxiety. This time, I can't let that effect me. I'm worrying if my inflammation and pain doesn't go in time for Monday I will miss the Christmas play we have worked so hard towards. Worrying about work is futile ...

Today I went for my Hysterosdkhfaja as I like to call it because I can't pronounce it. I psyched myself up for this shit. Waiting for my period to arrive felt like forever. I had to call the hospital as soon as it did and was hoping it would never arrive and I'd fall pregnant. I didn't, as per tradition for me.  What is a Hysterosalpinogram I hear you ask? It's when a catheter is passed through your cervix, the balloon is pumped to hold it in and you are filled with dye. They then scan you to check if your tubes are blocked. Fun times all around! And no, the dye isn't a fun pink sparkly colour it is just clear. In case you were curious. Girl, now let me tell you the truth-it does hurt when they are trying to put it in. I say trying because mine didn't work out. Even the speculum was uncomfortable and a bit painful. My LLETZ scarred my cervix and they tried four different catheters and not one would go all the way in. The last was very firm and hurt like a mot...