ICSI Journey

Welcome to our new, more expensive in the long run, wilder, 'cooler' journey with ICSI.  That was me trying to tell it to myself. ICSI is the same exact process as IVF, but they pick the best swimmers and inject it into the egg. I've included a link of a video in the ICSI bit above. I watched it and was a bit jarred by how they tried to flick the egg off the holding place, but I guess they know what they're doing and won't crack the eggs.

"But girl." I hear you all say, "didn't you say  you had lots of eggs and your husband's sperm was fine now, so why ICSI all of a sudden?" Sit down, grab a hot cup of tea or coffee and a snack. Because I'm about to tell you some shit that's going to blow your brain!

Waiting:

The waiting room was beautiful, carved wood and patterned 18th century ceilings and a free coffee machine. I hadn't had much time to get ready, so my hair was soaking wet and I just about had time to draw on my eyebrows and wear concealer. Our guest bedroom come my wardrobe room is being re decorated, so I chucked what was clean on. I took part in my usual ritual of shaving all hair off my body and finding some reasonable pants. Obvs this doesn't make a difference to whether the doctors will see us as acceptable parents but hey. I think the room could tell we are not private patients, sitting next to the perfectly manicured women and their Gucci bags I knew I wasn't either. I also don't think it helped that when I went in there I basically shouted "They have a free coffee machine!"

Meeting our Doctor & Sperm talk:

We were let down once again by the previous hospital's doctors. We went to our lovely little private hospital to meet our new consultant, he explained everything to us. Looking down the paper work and blood tests, he explained how with my PCOS I have lots of eggs. Lots of eggs, but I am not releasing one every month is what the scans are showing. He should see a prominent egg ready to hatch, but there simply isn't. So I'm releasing the hormones but not an egg every time, good to know. Why hadn't anyone told me this before?! I was and still am fuming about this. He then looked at the sperm results and said, "Ah, here's the problem. Your sperm count has gone up to 101 million, but it is not in good condition." He explained that only 600,000 of his sperm is actually useable, and even then they need to see which survive and which ones are best to use. Our hearts broke as he explained we were not able to get pregnant naturally and he did not need anymore tests to prove this. We were in shock, complete shock because no one had uttered those words to us on this whole journey. It was always "Keep trying you have a 30% chance so keep going." Now at least, someone has lay the facts out in front of us and been honest. IVF wasn't the best option either, due to sperm quality so the best option for us would be ICSI.

Luckily, our doctor is a PCOS expert and enjoys working with PCOS patients as egg production isn't an issue. The issue is that I am prone to hyper ovarian syndrome, which means  keeping a close eye on them ovaries to make sure they're not hyper stimulated and we lost the eggs. It's so much pressure! Talking about the shots and all and the trigger shot, the most important shot we will ever do in our lives. If we mess up the timing of our shots, we're fucked. It was all for nothing. So when it does start I will have no life for six weeks and I am perfectly fine with this! Bring on not leaving the house after 6pm, ice packs/ heat packs, plasters and weird kale smoothies.

Cervix & Eggs:

Another big issue is my cervix, they need to prove they can get up in there. The doctor explained how awful it would be to go through the whole journey, get to the embryo transfer and not be able to do it. So what they are going to do is a trial embryo transfer. This means they try to get the catheter in there and trial different ways using dilation, I'll be awake for this process. If you read about my last procedure it was not fun, so I'm a bit nervous for this. At least after this I will know that we have a plan for embryo transfer and can get our little embryos up in there. They're hoping to do this in  April, but we all know dates are never kept to.

One thing I was excited for was donating my eggs, so if this didn't work at least others would be helped. Unfortunately, due to my past health issues, PCOS and endo included, I am not a viable candidate for egg donation. This shattered what was left in my heart into tiny pieces. I was so happy to donate my eggs, it just felt right. He said I also need to be selfish anyway as this process is hard, but I just wanted to give someone else a chance. I felt the rug pulled from under me, everything was going into a weird spin.

ICSI:

They are hoping to begin ICSI in either May or June, but again I don't pay attention to dates anymore as we were meant to start in Feb. However, with everything brought to light it is obvious we were never going to start in Feb. We left and I just felt numb, I couldn't take anything in. My husband was more excited, but I was crapping myself for all the shit I have to go through. I know it will be worth it, and we are lucky to have this chance. However, everyone has their breaking point and this was mine.

The Breakdown:

I messaged everyone a very brief message about what was said, I didn't have the energy afterwards to go into it. We went for fried chicken and macaroni, I ate it in silence replying to messages and my husband tried to talk more about decorating the nursery. I couldn't focus, I couldn't get those words out of my head. We didn't have a chance of conceiving naturally. I felt like a failure, my Mum was so hopeful we wouldn't need treatment always saying "I just have this feeling it'll just happen." I felt like I'd let her down. It's hard to explain, it's just very real when someone says those words even if you knew deep down that's the case. I just didn't know what to do, I was going into the meeting hoping for a set date. 

Still with the information and guilt not absorbed rolling around my head, I woke up the next morning ready to go to work. On the walk to work, it finally hit me and I burst out crying. Then I couldn't stop. The woman at Starbucks felt very, very awkward as she handed me my soya caramel macchiato. I bet she was thinking, "relax bitch I put espresso and not the blonde roast like you asked." I got to work, and everyone asked how it went and I burst out crying again. Everyone was so AMAZING, I work with the most incredible people. They were there hugging me, feeding me cake and tea and letting me be how I was. A lady at work has been through IVF so I explained my situation to her. She's been incredible support to have throughout my journey, she just gets me and knows exactly what to say. My class teacher who I'm with some afternoons sat me down in her class  and said some lovely things to me. Then my old class teacher who has been with me through some tough times suggested I go home and rest, so I did. I just couldn't stop crying. 

People noticed I was upset, and I know not everyone knows what to say. So they say the wrong things that aren't helpful, but I try not to let that get to me. This journey is so heart breaking, physically and emotionally draining and I'm done trying to be happy and positive all the time. I need to feel like I'm feeling. I messaged who I needed to explaining the situation, and asked them to please not tell me to be positive. How can you in this situation after so much shit?

Also I've just come on my period.

Stay strong my ladies and gents,

Love Blue moon girl x