Bluemoonbaby

What can  I say about this year gone by? It has been both wonderful and crazy. It seems each year when I sit back and think "Nothing will top the madness and mayhem of this." Something else surely comes to prove me wrong the following year. I guess that's part and parcel with growing up some would say. 2018 highlights would have to be the arrival of my gorgeous little niece and watching my nephews grow in their characters.  Another would be watching our two little fur babies grow too. Our spaniel seems to have matured a lot more which is nice for us. He  no longer wants to rip everything up  and our Pom is getting better at not pissing on the new rug. There really are so many wonderful moments looking back, I can't grumble too much. Friends have gotten engaged, married and even expecting little ones of their own. Some have bought houses or taken the next step into their wildest adventures. We too took the plunge into our wildest adventure, confronting our fertili...

On the weekend I went Christmas shopping, kind of last minute as I've had a lot happen. I felt fine that week, I didn't think about being infertile too often or the whole IVF thing. Or the fact ours has now been pushed back to an unconfirmed date. I'd let myself eat, drink and be merry. I was fine shopping until I took myself for lunch, something I do every now and then as I enjoy my own company. However this time was different, this time I was very aware that I was surrounded by families. Mums chasing toddlers, kids colouring, families laughing, parents pissed off that their kid won't eat. I suddenly felt alone, very alone without my non existent baby. I kept my head down and finished my meal. Then I noticed a Mum holding her baby while her toddler ate on the sofa next to her staring at me. She looked a little tired, but happy still with a half smile. I wondered, was she watching me wishing that she could have a solo lunch just one more time without puke on her top a...

Last night was the first time in a while I went out and didn't feel like an infertile person. It was fantastic! The Christmas works do was last night and I allowed myself to have a few drinks and let loose. Not just let loose, but be my fun non work self. I glammed myself up to the max, I may not have this figure next year. I danced and attempted to twerk and really stopped giving a shit. I think once you go through so much crap as an adult you care less about what others think and are braver to show your true self. I really enjoyed it. The holidays can be the shittest time for us lot. Surrounded by family members and their families, and of course tons of kids everywhere. If you don't mind being around kids, then great. If like me you sometimes struggle that's fine too. Hopefully family members can be supportive and understand why you may not see them as much. Also seeing family members who know the situation and having to relay the story again and again to everyone you...

During my journey I have looked out for ways to feel less alone and more prepared. I feel nothing can prepare you like a good old fashioned book. I love holding a physical book and being able to go back to it anytime I want. Even when the wifi is down your book is around! Here are a few of my fave books that helped equip me through my journey. Fertile By Emma Cannon: Emma is truly an expert nutritionist who  takes a holistic approach when it comes to fertility. Emma is a firm believer in the phrase 'let food be thy medicine.' She gives you detailed tips and diet plans to help toward curing what ales ya!  My favourite thing about this book is how tailored it is. Emma tries to recreate the experience you would get if you visited her actual office. I had no idea there were certain foods I should eat at certain points in my cycle until this book!  She guides you through different tendencies you may have like cold, hot and stagnant. Teaming Chinese medicine, ...

I'm feeling much better today thankfully, the cramping and bleeding has stopped. I am still very tired but able to get on with life. I left the house for a shopping trip to Aldi which was nice. I also managed to briefly see my sister to say bye before she went off to London. I actually feel a lot better now, still anxious as hell but better than before. I think sleeping all day and most of the night yesterday has been a big help. I'm trying not to think too much into what next week might hold. I'm still trying to explain to people what happened and that can be exhausting. The fact the procedure didn't go according to plan is causing a bit of confusion. So sometimes I have to explain that I am  in pain as they did try, but it didn't go into my womb. God knows how I'm going to explain IVF to everyone! I'm feeling more positive about the journey too. I'm hoping for the best and hoping it can get done and out the way with ASAP. It's the waiting whi...

During these dark times of life I like to try and remind myself of the good things going on. That seldom works so here's a list of stuff that kind of made  me crack a smile. Ru Paul's Drag Race- If you need a break from watching youtubers talking about their DPO's and IVF treatment this is for you! Ru Paul has some great quotes to live by, some have helped me through my journey. The Queens are fabulous and so amazing to watch. The comedy factor and bitchiness is a nice distraction from  my life. You can find the series on Netflix! People Bringing Gifts- Now it may seem odd to you when people give you gifts for your infertility journey. Personally I didn't realise how much a simple gift would help perk me up pre and post procedures. My sisters made me a hamper to pamper myself through my journey, friends bought me flowers, another friend made me a pamper hamper for my procedure. These little tokens are much appreciated and show that people are there for you. Th...

Those who said "If at first you don't succeed, try and try again." Obviously never had a HSG with a  scarred cervix and retroverted uterus. My lovely nurse, let's call her D, rang after my desperate email about how my HSG did not go well. I explained the four tries, the pain both physically and emotionally. She is honestly the nicest person ever. She suggested they might dilate my cervix and the doctor may want to have a look herself to see what the next steps are. So it's hopefully just a brief waiting game. I'll have to contact D on Tuesday to remind her as obvs she is so busy. It must be a very rewarding but depressing job. I don't know how she does it all! I had to visit the doctors Friday as the pain was unbearable and my womb had swollen up. She wasn't sure what was causing it however suggested it could be infected. So she prescribed me some strong antibiotics and diazepam to help ease the cramps and my anxiety. I cried at her, like full brea...

It is exactly one day since my hystro and I am wide awake at 6am. I have some cramping and inflammation but the bleeding has lightened up a lot. I am relaxing today with a nice cup of tea. I am feeling incredibly emotional today, tired and frustrated. I tried listening to a sleep meditation to help me but  it didn't work. I kept having all these thoughts swim through my mind that I couldn't clear. The main ones being OK so what IS next? When will the operation be and where will it be? Can I go through all this? Do I have the strength? Am I going to be OK? The truth is, I don't know. I can't afford to worry about work like I always do.  Worrying about letting people down or people thinking I'm having too much time off. It's all part of my anxiety. This time, I can't let that effect me. I'm worrying if my inflammation and pain doesn't go in time for Monday I will miss the Christmas play we have worked so hard towards. Worrying about work is futile ...

Today I went for my Hysterosdkhfaja as I like to call it because I can't pronounce it. I psyched myself up for this shit. Waiting for my period to arrive felt like forever. I had to call the hospital as soon as it did and was hoping it would never arrive and I'd fall pregnant. I didn't, as per tradition for me.  What is a Hysterosalpinogram I hear you ask? It's when a catheter is passed through your cervix, the balloon is pumped to hold it in and you are filled with dye. They then scan you to check if your tubes are blocked. Fun times all around! And no, the dye isn't a fun pink sparkly colour it is just clear. In case you were curious. Girl, now let me tell you the truth-it does hurt when they are trying to put it in. I say trying because mine didn't work out. Even the speculum was uncomfortable and a bit painful. My LLETZ scarred my cervix and they tried four different catheters and not one would go all the way in. The last was very firm and hurt like a mot...