High Hopes & Tightropes

My actual face

So today was our official meeting with out IVF consultant, however she wasn't there so we saw another doctor. We arrived half an hour early, and our appointment was pushed back when we arrived by an hour. It's an odd feeling sitting in the waiting room with a mixture of people there, some waiting for blood tests others obviously waiting for the same thing we were.

Waiting Game:

I sat next to my husband, looking across the sea of anxious couples holding hands and kissing foreheads. I saw nothing but hope, strength and love. It was overwhelming at times, this process seems so negative, but look at the love. I wanted to stand up and go "Hey guys you all going through infertility too? Shall we sit in a circle and talk about our feelings?" However I think that would have been frowned upon. So I sat quietly twirling my hair, something I do when I'm nervous, and holding my husband's hand. He was so nervous too, but smiled and reassured me it would go well. He was waiting to hear if his low sperm count had changed at all since we had made our lifestyle changes. It's sad to see how this journey has knocked him down too, I thought he could really do with a boost. It's easy to feel disconnected from your partner in this crazy journey. You're both exhausted, you're both in need of comfort and positivity.

Finally, an hour and a half later the doctor came out and called my name. Before she'd finished saying my name, I shouted "YEP!" Real loud and basically ran towards her, while the whole room watched.  She told me to go in room five, which I did and in there was a very pretty lady sitting and smiling at me. I stepped out and was sure I'd stepped into someone's appointment, but then I stepped back in and she said "I'm a student doctor." I laughed and explained I wasn't so offended by her presence that I closed the door. My husband and I sat down and the doctor explained there would be a student doctor present, I said that's fine. Honestly, my cervix has been seen by so many people now I don't even care. There's a sentence I never thought I'd be saying.

The doctor looked at our notes and gave my husband his results. Miraculously, his sperm count had much more than doubled and was now at a healthy normal level. Things were looking up! She spoke to me about my PCOS and looked at my ovary scan. She explained that I now have lots of eggs, so again our changes had worked. We were ecstatic, I looked at my husband who I hadn't seen truly stress free until that moment. I was overcome with love for him, and his resilience through this journey. Then we were on to the nitty gritty shit!

My HSG hadn't worked due to rather bad scarring from my LLETZ procedure. The irony that the surgery I needed to save MY life was preventing me from creating a life is unreal. The doctor explained she was going to look at my cervix due to my HSG failing. The student doctor held my hand as she inserted the spectrum, and all I could think was do they really need to put a whole bottle of lube up in there? Anyway, it was painful as per usual and I squeezed the student doctors hand, and then said "I'm sorry is this the weirdest thing you've done?" She laughed and said "No, not at all."

My Cervix:

 The doctor confirmed my cervix was so scarred that the usual egg retrieval process and implantation process was not going to be straight forward. She also said that this is probably the main reason we are infertile, as the sperm that does get through doesn't really stand a chance. So I obviously felt great, but I kind of knew this. Because of this, I would need some sort of pain relief and dilation for all the procedures and they would now be referring me to The Priory in Birmingham which sounds very fancy. They will need to run some more blood tests to check for hepatitis and HIV. They will also need to perform a hysteroscopy to see what's going on in my mess of a womb. Also, to prove they can get into my womb through my cervix.

Then they leave to let you clean up the river of lube that's left behind and somehow still stays with you all day, even if you wipe 500 times. You'd think after all this, I'd be an expert at knowing where to dispose of my wipes. However I'm not and just chucked it in the normal bin instead of the human waste bin. I thought for a hot minute about chucking myself and my scarred cervix in the human waste bin too.

Question time:

I started asking her a ton of questions, so she went and got another doctor to answer them. I like to have as many doctors in the room with me as possible as I am the Queen obviously. He spoke to me about what happens, that we have a 30% chance of conceiving. He spoke to me about prices of freezing our eggs, about £300-£400. He said IVF can cost up to £7,000 which was exciting. I thought about how we would have to borrow the money from my parents. Others have offered to chip in, but it just feels weird that everyone is essentially chipping in. Kind of like they're buying our baby for us, but hey if we need to borrow it we need to borrow it. He then said "this is an incredibly long and gruelling process, it isn't going to be easy but you can do it."

What am I doing with my spare eggs that I laid? :

Then came the next question, "What would you like to do with your left over eggs?" Now if you'd  asked me this at the start of our journey I would of said freeze them all for just me to never use,which is unrealistic. I have decided I will be donating my eggs to other couples who are not fortunate enough to have a chance to use their own eggs. Some people have to under go things like chemo therapy as children, therefore having no eggs. Or a same sex couple, who simply can't create an egg. There are so many scenarios, and I'd love to help anyone I can. To have the gift of giving someone a chance to have their own baby is extraordinary to me. It also means that if this cycle doesn't work, it isn't for nothing. I'll hopefully have some eggs frozen and fertilized for myself, and I am creating a wonderful opportunity for another couple or single Mum even. If someone picks my little eggs, and I want IVF in the future, they also help pay toward my next IVF. A win win for all in my opinion! Obviously, if it works for the couple once their child turns 18 they can get in contact with me. Which again, I am fine with.

High Hopes & Tightropes:

We left on a positive high like always, our IVF could start in the next two or three months if my hysteroscopy results were fine. We were filled with excitement, nerves and wonder. Could this be our lucky year? The high you feel is always followed by a short crash and burn out after, it's like walking on a tightrope with this journey. Everything is in the hands of someone else. It's an emotional rollercoaster for sure. We had our usual burger after our visit, excited and messaging everyone to say how it went. Then came the crash, we were exhausted and emotionally spent.

You've got to have high high hopes for a living, when you don't know how but you always had a vision. Yes these are lyrics from a panic! at the disco song, but I honestly feel like it's our infertility anthem at the moment.

Love to you all,

Keep everything crossed!

Blue moon girl x