My Mad FET Diary: Entry Three

 Need I remind you all that this blog was in fact written pre covid times back in February 2020. See how a beef bao bun got me through the next week of treatment.

14^th Feb 2020

It’s valentine’s day, and all I can think about is food. The meds have got me with serious cravings. All I can think about is this beef shin bao bun I saw on Instagram. I think about it obsessively, everyday morning and night. I need it! Only problem is it’s in Birmingham, a good while away from me. I can’t describe to you how good this looks, so I’ll probably insert a picture here or something. It’s a problem, I may leave my husband for this bao bun.

Image from google

At midnight in my steaming hot sweaty mass I started craving a chicken sandwich, the good kind made with left over roast. We didn’t have any chicken, so I settled for a WHOLE bag of walkers roast chicken crisps. It’s bizarre, I’ve never had cravings so intense before. I get sudden bursts of hunger, so full on that I actually feel sick. I prep myself a snack at 9pm because I know that’s when it’ll kick in. I can never seem to satisfy this hunger.

I have a fun new side effect too, well a few actually, headaches! Spots are popping up on my face left right and centre, and before my fertility mission I boasted a pretty clear spot free face. Oh, and I’m also very teary. Anything will make me cry. How the fuck can I hide this from everyone? My Mum’s been asking if we’ve started treatment again and I’ve done my best to say nothing. We don’t want anyone knowing, we just want to crack this code ourselves.

I’ve been having very weird vivid dreams too, last night I was living in my old uni town in an old house but it was the 1970’s. I was looking for a job and I was 18 years old. Then suddenly, a bulldozer started bulldozing the house from the roof while I was playing sims. I had an argument with the man who said I needed to move out, then my mum my sisters and my Aunt helped me gather my things and move out. Strange.

I’ve also stopped filming injections, beforehand I thought maybe we’d use it for an announcement or just keep it to watch back. I felt this time around it was too much added pressure, I just wanted to stab myself pop a plaster on and think about my bao bun. I would say this bao bun has kept me going through this, like waiting for your long-distance lover to come home.

16^th Feb 2020

Last night we went to see our friends new house with our other friends. I was spending the night trying not to look too shifty as I had to take my shot in her bathroom. My friend is pregnant so isn’t drinking, but my other friend also wasn’t drinking, and I wasn’t drinking…So everyone was looking at each other suspiciously. I managed to make my escape with my bag, my friends made a joke about the bag and I said I was on my period. I’d done it! My first injection not at home! Feeling like a G I went downstairs, and my other friend told us she was finally pregnant! She had been struggling with fertility issues herself, and we were so excited.

Fast forward to today, my period came full flow like the nurse said it would. I rang them at 8am and left a voicemail with my number. Normally, Sundays are no workdays for fertility clinics as they too have families. Crazy right?! So, I wasn’t expecting a call back any time soon. I then fretted as I had a client the next day and it was my sister’s birthday so how the hell was I meant to take the call and stuff without anyone knowing. I was meant to go with my Mum to collect her from the station, in the end I made my excuses.

Then, something amazing happened. The fertility clinic rang me back on a Sunday at 12pm! Our scan is booked for the 21^st, my husband’s birthday. Luckily, I organised the weekend in Birmingham, so we’d be there already just in case. Looks like everything was falling into plan.

 

19th Feb 2020

Day 1000229393 of buserelin injections, Ok bit of an exaggeration. I’m feeling pretty rotten, having low mood, headaches, nausea and irritation to sounds and lights weirdly. I was out with friends having lunch and everything seemed really loud and overwhelming. My eyes are finding it hard to focus at times, it’s not fun in menopause land! I don’t feel like myself, but I so desperately want to.

I keep thinking about why I’m doing this, this is to have our baby. I need to remember that when times get tough, because right now they really are. I have moments of feeling so low like today, I didn’t want to leave the bed but I had to. I took my dogs to the groomers and saw my sister which did actually help lift my mood. I need to remind myself this isn’t forever.

Love, Blue moon girl x