My Mad FET Diary: Entry Six; BFP

 

17.3.20

7dp5dt- I think we may have done it guys…I think I might be pregnant!

Yesterday I experienced period cramps, a headache and slight nausea. I put it down to giving up caffeine and told my husband to not get his hopes up because I was pretty sure we were out. I had period like cramps  last time and it wasn’t good news. So I was sure that I would wake up to see the red demon dancing in my pants soon.

I was having a dream where I was sitting on a wall made of rocks at night, my dreams have been vivid. I told the random dream person “You know I feel a bit sick, I think I’m going to take a test when I wake up.” My husband’s alarm for work went off, I woke up and still felt sickish. I took the clear blue test expecting the stark white line to stay. As I prepared to bin it, a very slight line appeared. What the fuck. I stared longer, turned on the lights held it up looked again. Nope, a definite faint line. I ran in woke my husband up and dragged him to the loo “Do you see it?” I said still in shock. He said yes, he was also in shock. We both decided that response was OK after 3 years plus of infertility. Shocked cautious optimism was new for us.

Then I got the itch and took another at 8am with an internet cheapie. Pink dye tests I love you! I took an intake of breath, looked straight away and saw nothing. It’s OK I thought, and I waited the full two minutes made a cup of tea and came back. There was a line! I rang my husband and told him and sent him photos. He said his heart sank when he saw I was calling, as last time I called around this time to say my period had arrived. However, it was good news. Still though, we haven’t dared to let ourselves be fully happy yet. Stupid infertility robs you of joy.

Then my sister called later and I was desperate to tell her! I felt like I wanted to burst it out to her even though I was extremely nervous. So I quickly asked my husband if it was OK for me to say and told her. She was soooo excited for us which made everything feel more real and nice. It’s lovely to hear someone so happy for you.

I just honestly cannot believe it.

18.3.20

Today I did a clear blue digital test and a strip test. I set them aside brushed my teeth prepping myself mentally to see not pregnant. If the strip test had two lines then fine, maybe I didn’t have enough HCg for the clear blue. At 4.30am I was a bit out of it, also feeling slightly nauseated which I was hoping was a good sign. I picked up the test, and it said pregnant 1 to 2 weeks! I opened the things I’d been saving for 3 years now, the soon to be Dad mug and baby grow. I woke my husband up and showed him. He was in disbelief. Again, we are both very cautious about this.

I understand how annoying this might be to some of you reading this. You got your BFP just enjoy it! However the infertility journey makes you question everything, especially joy. Proceed to joy with caution. I’m terrified this isn’t real somehow, like this is all a joke. I am so sad the clear blue window doesn’t keep showing pregnant 1-2 weeks forever, I keep staring at it. I have done a total of 10 tests, all different brands all different times. There is a definite line on each one.

Still I worry it could be a chemical pregnancy or maybe it’s something else causing the lines? Mad I know! I can’t wait for the official test day which is this Friday. Roll on this week!

    Today:

I stopped writing my entries after this one, so I'll fill in the gaps for you. After this we had our test on the Friday where I experienced my first bout of morning sickness. I was so happy I cried. We entered the clinic and got told we were in fact pregnant! We were ecstatic and told our families straight away. Around 6 weeks we had a miscarriage scare, however after bed rests extra meds and tests everything was fine. I told our daughter if she stuck around, I would be the best Mum I could be for her. The next 9 months we held our breath with nerves, I had extreme morning sickness and was on bed rest a lot. Throw in a pandemic and gestational diabetes, and an incompetent cervix and you've got a high risk pregnancy. 

However, I'd do it all again for her. I truly would, even the last few months where time literally crawled. I wasn't to leave the house other than for exercise and was shut off from the world. Looking back it was nice to have that time for the two of us, but it was difficult.

On the 17th of November we had our C section and our daughter was brought into the world at a tiny 5lb 12oz. One week before her due date, the 24th of November 2020. I started this blog on the 24th of November 2018, I don't think that is a mere coincidence. 

The fourth trimester is here, and I am slowly but surely getting use to sleepless nights and my new life as a Mother to my daughter.

To the Doctor that said my chances of getting pregnant naturally was once in a Blue Moon, thank you. You inspired this blog, and my whole journey I was more determined than ever to make my dream of motherhood come true. I have met a lot of people on the way and hopefully made people laugh along with me, even through the tough bits. Honestly this has been the toughest journey I have ever been on. Infertility isn't a joke, and it chips away at you each month that turns into a year. 

So if you're reading this, and you're going through it, I won't say "well it happened for me so just hang on in there" because I know how it feels to hear that. I just want to say that I am routing for you, I am your cheerleader. I am so proud of you in your weakest and strongest moments. Keep moving forward, but rest when you need to.

Love, Blue moon girl x