Hysterosalpinogram: My story, not everyone else's
Today I went for my Hysterosdkhfaja as I like to call it because I can't pronounce it. I psyched myself up for this shit. Waiting for my period to arrive felt like forever. I had to call the hospital as soon as it did and was hoping it would never arrive and I'd fall pregnant. I didn't, as per tradition for me.
What is a Hysterosalpinogram I hear you ask? It's when a catheter is passed through your cervix, the balloon is pumped to hold it in and you are filled with dye. They then scan you to check if your tubes are blocked. Fun times all around! And no, the dye isn't a fun pink sparkly colour it is just clear. In case you were curious.
Girl, now let me tell you the truth-it does hurt when they are trying to put it in. I say trying because mine didn't work out. Even the speculum was uncomfortable and a bit painful. My LLETZ scarred my cervix and they tried four different catheters and not one would go all the way in. The last was very firm and hurt like a mother bitch! I took two ibuprofens beforehand, how they do not give you pain relief is beyond me. It took some of the edge off, but not much.
The kind nurse holding my hand told me about what she was doing for Christmas. I listened engrossed trying to ignore the prodding of the catheters trying to enter me. It didn't work, tears came down my face and I tried to smile. As each one entered the next one was harder than the last, I looked at each one as they were removed and they were coated with blood.
Then the doctor said "I'm sorry you're cervix is so scarred from your LLETZ procedure I am unable to perform the procedure." OKUURRRRRRRR!! WHY! WHY WHY WHY ME!??!!?!?! Is how I felt. Why another obstacle! Why don't I have a normal cervix! EFF MY LIFE.
I was a blubbering mess after, feeling totally defeated. Another failed attempt at finding out the problem. How much more can I possibly take? How can I keep doing this and keep going to work and keep seeing people and try and maintain a smile and my sanity? All that pain, and not much gain. Yeah, there was pain and cramping and bleeding after and my womb swelled up because it just thinks it's being attacked.
The next step is an operation to open my cervix and try and do it that way and who da duck knows when that is. I hope it's soon, but also I don't as I need a moment to recover. I just can't bear this at times like this when it's so fresh.
I find myself thinking about us being childless and how sad that would be. I know there's other avenues to go down, but being given the possibility of no child of your own due to infertility is heart breaking. It's a pain that no fertile Mertile could comprehend. A longing that runs so deep in your DNA it's impossible to throw in the towel no matter how many times you say "I give up." In your head during the day. It's holding your niece's or nephew's tiny hands and feeling the longing to be holding your own child's hand. It's missing someone that doesn't even exist yet, and mourning the lack of them in your life. It's writing letters to your non existent baby, willing them into the world telling them how you love them and wish they were here.
So what do we do? We pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and carry on in the world. Surrounded by other children on days when looking at a child is too hard. Attending baby showers with a smile, looking at the tiny baby clothes with the possibility of never having your own lurking in the depths of your mind. It's crying at a pregnancy announcement because you feel so damn sorry for yourself, and in the same breath smiling and congratulating that person when you see them.
Love,
Blue moon girl
What is a Hysterosalpinogram I hear you ask? It's when a catheter is passed through your cervix, the balloon is pumped to hold it in and you are filled with dye. They then scan you to check if your tubes are blocked. Fun times all around! And no, the dye isn't a fun pink sparkly colour it is just clear. In case you were curious.
Girl, now let me tell you the truth-it does hurt when they are trying to put it in. I say trying because mine didn't work out. Even the speculum was uncomfortable and a bit painful. My LLETZ scarred my cervix and they tried four different catheters and not one would go all the way in. The last was very firm and hurt like a mother bitch! I took two ibuprofens beforehand, how they do not give you pain relief is beyond me. It took some of the edge off, but not much.
The kind nurse holding my hand told me about what she was doing for Christmas. I listened engrossed trying to ignore the prodding of the catheters trying to enter me. It didn't work, tears came down my face and I tried to smile. As each one entered the next one was harder than the last, I looked at each one as they were removed and they were coated with blood.
Then the doctor said "I'm sorry you're cervix is so scarred from your LLETZ procedure I am unable to perform the procedure." OKUURRRRRRRR!! WHY! WHY WHY WHY ME!??!!?!?! Is how I felt. Why another obstacle! Why don't I have a normal cervix! EFF MY LIFE.
I was a blubbering mess after, feeling totally defeated. Another failed attempt at finding out the problem. How much more can I possibly take? How can I keep doing this and keep going to work and keep seeing people and try and maintain a smile and my sanity? All that pain, and not much gain. Yeah, there was pain and cramping and bleeding after and my womb swelled up because it just thinks it's being attacked.
The next step is an operation to open my cervix and try and do it that way and who da duck knows when that is. I hope it's soon, but also I don't as I need a moment to recover. I just can't bear this at times like this when it's so fresh.
I find myself thinking about us being childless and how sad that would be. I know there's other avenues to go down, but being given the possibility of no child of your own due to infertility is heart breaking. It's a pain that no fertile Mertile could comprehend. A longing that runs so deep in your DNA it's impossible to throw in the towel no matter how many times you say "I give up." In your head during the day. It's holding your niece's or nephew's tiny hands and feeling the longing to be holding your own child's hand. It's missing someone that doesn't even exist yet, and mourning the lack of them in your life. It's writing letters to your non existent baby, willing them into the world telling them how you love them and wish they were here.
So what do we do? We pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off and carry on in the world. Surrounded by other children on days when looking at a child is too hard. Attending baby showers with a smile, looking at the tiny baby clothes with the possibility of never having your own lurking in the depths of your mind. It's crying at a pregnancy announcement because you feel so damn sorry for yourself, and in the same breath smiling and congratulating that person when you see them.
Love,
Blue moon girl
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