Bluemoonbaby

Transfer day: Transfer day was upon us, we were so excited! I had to take the horrid progesterone beforehand, the one that melts in your pants and makes you feel depressed and bloated. However, on this day I was excited! I tried to drink water as instructed in the car, and popped the Valium my doctor prescribed me half way into the journey. I needed Valium as I have a scarred cervix due to LLETZ surgery and passing anything through can be rather painful. If you find it painful too, ask for Valium. We set off an hour and fifteen minutes ahead of our transfer time. Then we got stuck in traffic, and were 30 minutes late for our appointment. Luckily my Valium kicked in and I gave no shits.  I rang the hospital relaxed and explained we were late even though we set off with more than enough time. My husband stress fully parked outside as I got upstairs, the process was rushed as the doctor went quickly through the paper work. He had surgeries to do after all and we were 30 minutes beh...

Next week is our information counselling, I believe this is the step right before or start of the whole IVF cycle. I don't really know what to expect,  but from what I've read they will talk us through in detail about it all and what we need to do. I am shitting it. Every time we have an appointment, something has gone wrong or we have had a set back. I am so nervous for this to be the case again. I haven't been great lately, not sleeping much and eating very little. Every time I have tried to eat a proper meal this week I have felt like throwing up. I do suffer with anxiety, and this is a really anxious time for me. I am so scared too walk in and for them to say "Sorry, we have to abandon this cycle." Or "We can do it we just need to do another op." I can't handle anymore set backs on my journey to my baby.  Also, I am still working full time with children even though I have requested to reduce my hours. There are tons of germs and illnesses fly...

Welcome to our new, more expensive in the long run, wilder, 'cooler' journey with ICSI.  That was me trying to tell it to myself. ICSI is the same exact process as IVF, but they pick the best swimmers and inject it into the egg. I've included a link of a video in the ICSI bit above. I watched it and was a bit jarred by how they tried to flick the egg off the holding place, but I guess they know what they're doing and won't crack the eggs. "But girl." I hear you all say, "didn't you say  you had lots of eggs and your husband's sperm was fine now, so why ICSI all of a sudden?" Sit down, grab a hot cup of tea or coffee and a snack. Because I'm about to tell you some shit that's going to blow your brain! Waiting: The waiting room was beautiful, carved wood and patterned 18th century ceilings and a free coffee machine. I hadn't had much time to get ready, so my hair was soaking wet and I just about had time to draw o...

Today I took the leap and asked for something I have been wanting to ask for a long time for myself. I have struggled dealing with the chronic fatigue that endometriosis and PCOS can bring. My body has been feeling weaker, I have been ill for longer and get ill very quickly. My body is in constant fight or flight mode, which makes healing difficult. Team that with a lack of adequate rest, and it's a recipe for disaster! Especially when you know you're going to be putting yourself through the most physically and mentally draining time of your life. I asked my boss about going part time, and she was incredibly supportive. So much so it made my cry, surprise surprise as I'm an emotional wreck atm. I have my formal meet  tomorrow to see what's next, and of course my next IVF appointment to meet my doctor on Friday.  I feel for me personally, going through work full time would not put me physically and mentally where I need to be. I get I am very lucky to be able to do thi...

And as I sat here typing on my laptop, I thought for a moment...Could I give other ladies tips and tricks for dealing with trying for a baby? And that answer is, I can try. Hello my ttcers! I've had a few people both online and in real life ask for some advice for trying for a baby. How I laughed and laughed, as I am yet to actually successfully become with child. However, I do have pretty much a bachelors degree in trying. So here is some of my advice for when you're trying for a baby: Take  400 micrograms of folic acid BEFORE you get preggers. Folic acid is essential in aiding a healthy pregnancy and healthy development of your baby. I use Ante natal forte from the natural dispensary , this was recommended to me by my nutritionist. I started taking mine as soon as we started trying, but you can take it for however long beforehand. Get a fertility check up with your doctor. Go with your partner and let them know you are trying, they'll give you some proper med...

As I sit here approaching my 29th year on this Earth I can't help but reflect on the time that has passed. Someone once told me your twenties are the years for making mistakes. I definitely took that on board, I made some really fun mistakes and learned from every single one. It's mad how much your twenties shape you and change your life. When I first turned 20 I got a real job working in childcare. I was a young 20, lived at home still and knew nothing about the real world. I hated my job, I left after six months and applied to university. When I turned 21 I moved up North to study Early Years, it was my first time living away from home. I learned so much about myself and grew as a person.  I thought I'd take some time to reflect on my twenties and my own personal journey through what have been the most incredible years of my life thus far. Over the years I have had many dates, had a few serious boyfriends and gotten engaged and married. Friends have come, gone out with ...

I know quite a few people in the infertile community who work with children. Teachers, nursery practitioners, teaching assistants that all find it at times hard. I myself also work with children, and I think this can cause emotional stress and upset during my down days. One time in a forum I shared my struggles on someone's post, and I was shut down by them. They said they just feel thankful to see other people's children and blessed to be in their presence which is lovely. However, it is not how many of us feel especially when we are surrounded by the one thing we long  for the most. I think the most important thing we can do is support each other and not shame each other for the struggles we are going through. Luckily, I had a lot of support from the same forum from others who found it hard, and many of those are women who work with children. One person will find IVF and the thought of having IVF a breeze. One person might hate the thought of IVF and be reading up on everyt...

What can  I say about this year gone by? It has been both wonderful and crazy. It seems each year when I sit back and think "Nothing will top the madness and mayhem of this." Something else surely comes to prove me wrong the following year. I guess that's part and parcel with growing up some would say. 2018 highlights would have to be the arrival of my gorgeous little niece and watching my nephews grow in their characters.  Another would be watching our two little fur babies grow too. Our spaniel seems to have matured a lot more which is nice for us. He  no longer wants to rip everything up  and our Pom is getting better at not pissing on the new rug. There really are so many wonderful moments looking back, I can't grumble too much. Friends have gotten engaged, married and even expecting little ones of their own. Some have bought houses or taken the next step into their wildest adventures. We too took the plunge into our wildest adventure, confronting our fertili...

On the weekend I went Christmas shopping, kind of last minute as I've had a lot happen. I felt fine that week, I didn't think about being infertile too often or the whole IVF thing. Or the fact ours has now been pushed back to an unconfirmed date. I'd let myself eat, drink and be merry. I was fine shopping until I took myself for lunch, something I do every now and then as I enjoy my own company. However this time was different, this time I was very aware that I was surrounded by families. Mums chasing toddlers, kids colouring, families laughing, parents pissed off that their kid won't eat. I suddenly felt alone, very alone without my non existent baby. I kept my head down and finished my meal. Then I noticed a Mum holding her baby while her toddler ate on the sofa next to her staring at me. She looked a little tired, but happy still with a half smile. I wondered, was she watching me wishing that she could have a solo lunch just one more time without puke on her top a...

During my journey I have looked out for ways to feel less alone and more prepared. I feel nothing can prepare you like a good old fashioned book. I love holding a physical book and being able to go back to it anytime I want. Even when the wifi is down your book is around! Here are a few of my fave books that helped equip me through my journey. Fertile By Emma Cannon: Emma is truly an expert nutritionist who  takes a holistic approach when it comes to fertility. Emma is a firm believer in the phrase 'let food be thy medicine.' She gives you detailed tips and diet plans to help toward curing what ales ya!  My favourite thing about this book is how tailored it is. Emma tries to recreate the experience you would get if you visited her actual office. I had no idea there were certain foods I should eat at certain points in my cycle until this book!  She guides you through different tendencies you may have like cold, hot and stagnant. Teaming Chinese medicine, ...

I'm feeling much better today thankfully, the cramping and bleeding has stopped. I am still very tired but able to get on with life. I left the house for a shopping trip to Aldi which was nice. I also managed to briefly see my sister to say bye before she went off to London. I actually feel a lot better now, still anxious as hell but better than before. I think sleeping all day and most of the night yesterday has been a big help. I'm trying not to think too much into what next week might hold. I'm still trying to explain to people what happened and that can be exhausting. The fact the procedure didn't go according to plan is causing a bit of confusion. So sometimes I have to explain that I am  in pain as they did try, but it didn't go into my womb. God knows how I'm going to explain IVF to everyone! I'm feeling more positive about the journey too. I'm hoping for the best and hoping it can get done and out the way with ASAP. It's the waiting whi...

Those who said "If at first you don't succeed, try and try again." Obviously never had a HSG with a  scarred cervix and retroverted uterus. My lovely nurse, let's call her D, rang after my desperate email about how my HSG did not go well. I explained the four tries, the pain both physically and emotionally. She is honestly the nicest person ever. She suggested they might dilate my cervix and the doctor may want to have a look herself to see what the next steps are. So it's hopefully just a brief waiting game. I'll have to contact D on Tuesday to remind her as obvs she is so busy. It must be a very rewarding but depressing job. I don't know how she does it all! I had to visit the doctors Friday as the pain was unbearable and my womb had swollen up. She wasn't sure what was causing it however suggested it could be infected. So she prescribed me some strong antibiotics and diazepam to help ease the cramps and my anxiety. I cried at her, like full brea...

It is exactly one day since my hystro and I am wide awake at 6am. I have some cramping and inflammation but the bleeding has lightened up a lot. I am relaxing today with a nice cup of tea. I am feeling incredibly emotional today, tired and frustrated. I tried listening to a sleep meditation to help me but  it didn't work. I kept having all these thoughts swim through my mind that I couldn't clear. The main ones being OK so what IS next? When will the operation be and where will it be? Can I go through all this? Do I have the strength? Am I going to be OK? The truth is, I don't know. I can't afford to worry about work like I always do.  Worrying about letting people down or people thinking I'm having too much time off. It's all part of my anxiety. This time, I can't let that effect me. I'm worrying if my inflammation and pain doesn't go in time for Monday I will miss the Christmas play we have worked so hard towards. Worrying about work is futile ...

Today I went for my Hysterosdkhfaja as I like to call it because I can't pronounce it. I psyched myself up for this shit. Waiting for my period to arrive felt like forever. I had to call the hospital as soon as it did and was hoping it would never arrive and I'd fall pregnant. I didn't, as per tradition for me.  What is a Hysterosalpinogram I hear you ask? It's when a catheter is passed through your cervix, the balloon is pumped to hold it in and you are filled with dye. They then scan you to check if your tubes are blocked. Fun times all around! And no, the dye isn't a fun pink sparkly colour it is just clear. In case you were curious. Girl, now let me tell you the truth-it does hurt when they are trying to put it in. I say trying because mine didn't work out. Even the speculum was uncomfortable and a bit painful. My LLETZ scarred my cervix and they tried four different catheters and not one would go all the way in. The last was very firm and hurt like a mot...