Transfer day & Two week wait
Transfer day:
Transfer day was upon us, we were so excited! I had to take the horrid progesterone beforehand, the one that melts in your pants and makes you feel depressed and bloated. However, on this day I was excited! I tried to drink water as instructed in the car, and popped the Valium my doctor prescribed me half way into the journey. I needed Valium as I have a scarred cervix due to LLETZ surgery and passing anything through can be rather painful. If you find it painful too, ask for Valium. We set off an hour and fifteen minutes ahead of our transfer time.
Then we got stuck in traffic, and were 30 minutes late for our appointment. Luckily my Valium kicked in and I gave no shits. I rang the hospital relaxed and explained we were late even though we set off with more than enough time. My husband stress fully parked outside as I got upstairs, the process was rushed as the doctor went quickly through the paper work. He had surgeries to do after all and we were 30 minutes behind! We found out we had 6 embabies altogether, I was so relieved.
Embryo Transfer:
The transfer is done with the doctor, nurse and one or two embryologists present. We were told we had a 5AA embryo, the best you can get! They would pass a small catheter through the cervix into the womb. They would then load our precious little baby embryo and pass it safely from the catheter into my womb where it would hopefully stay snug for 9 months. Our clinic also provides embryo glue for free on your first round.
Ivf is weirdly like the fanciest meal you ever had.You have the mains, IVF/ICSI but you may also have some side dishes at a hefty extra cost. These range from an endometrial scratch to things like embryo glue. You can have these add ons in hope you up your chances on getting pregnant. Embryo glue is meant to up your chances, so our clinic hands this side dish out free on your first free go on the NHS, to help us infertile people out. Thanks guys!
Then it happened, Sam rushed in from the car park and I was in la la Valium land. It was a really
nice place to be, I hardly noticed everyone in the room. Then it was complete, and we saw on the ultrasound a bright little pearl. The doctor told us our baby was in there and I sobbed my eyes out. Part relief, part being high, and partly letting go of all the doubt and emotions I'd held on to for so long. It's so strange having professionals literally look after your baby, you long to keep your baby safe in your womb. So knowing your baby made it this far, which is a miracle in itself after all the bad news, and is now with you is overwhelming. He handed us our photo, circled our baby and said "Look, there's a little you in there. Go home and rest, good luck! It's all looking good and your embryo is hatching!" I again sobbed and stared at the picture all the way home.
This was the first time in years that we had hope, our baby was actually there. A little live being hatching out of the egg, growing and dividing into our baby! We were ecstatic, and exhausted.
Progesterone:
Every day twice a day, I had to take progesterone suppositories. Once in the morning I lay for 30 minutes, then once at night around 9pm but not too strict. I'd have to try and keep the night time one in. However, when you enter the hell on Earth that is the two week wait you have 30 minutes or more a day to do nothing but think about whether this has worked or not. Progesterone also brings with it depression and general low mood, both of which I felt for a while. My tip would be to download games onto your phone and stock up on panty liners. Although NOTHING stops you from thinking about it.
Two week wait:
The two week wait was torture, I was fine the first 4 days after embryo transfer. Smug that our little embaby was safe in my womb. I'd walk around talking to it, showing it pictures staring at the ultrasound. However as time went on I lost hope, I packed my schedule but nothing could stop the constant worrying and obsessing.
The thing is, of course nothing is going to stop you thinking about it. This is something you've worked towards for years and now it's here. You're not going to suddenly switch off everything and not think about what's happening unless you're a robot. Well meaning advice givers told me to stay busy when I shared my frantic am I or am I not pregnant thoughts with them. "Keep busy!" but trust me, it's NOT that simple.
I still found time to google symptoms, sneak a test (all negatives) here and there. I just wanted to know if this major thing we had gone through together had been successful. I cried almost everyday from 7 days past our transfer until the end. The hormones, stress and journey just get to you. It's totally normal to feel this way! I was also convinced by day 7 that our transfer hadn't worked.
Test Day:
On a morning out for breakfast with my friends, the bleeding started the day before test day. I knew it was over. I tried to tell myself it could be implantation as I was due to have lunch with my mother in law, whose hope I did not want to ruin so I kept it together and kept quiet. Until I got home and rang the clinic who informed me bleeding at this point wasn't good and I was to prepare for a negative. I rang my husband, and he came home. We cried.
The next day on test day we were still holding on to a tiny bit of hope. The nurse came to get us, tears filled her eyes as she explained that the baby had not fully attached. This round sadly hadn't worked, and we had to wait for our baby to pass. She had been with us from the beginning of all this, from the set backs to the cancelled IVF rounds. It was nice to see her so invested, which I wasn't expecting, emotionally in our journey. She held me as did my husband as I sobbed. We listened to the possible reasons why it didn't work this time and arranged to see our doctor.
When IVF/ICSI doesn't work:
Life had to simply go on, with some time to mourn we had to get back to it. Every step in everyday has to mask how miserable we are to not have our baby with us any longer. Something we have become quite good at over the years. We are taking full advantage of the free counselling and I have decided to focus on our journey to baby full time. To me this is my Everest, my mission to get through in life. It might not sound exciting to some, however this journey has taken the same amount of time as my degree did. This is now like my second degree, which will hopefully have me graduate into mother hood and give my husband the chance to become a father.
No one tells you how depressed and horrific it can get when things like this don't work. A lot of feelings are due to the stress but also the drugs coming out of your system. I started having panic attacks, loss of appetite amongst other things. I spoke to a friend who had to be signed off work for four weeks 3 months after a failed IVF. Work places need to take fertility issues seriously, after all this is a treatment for an illness. Imagine if your treatment fails, that's what so many of us experience. The despair, the loss, the grief all at once. But carry on!
Because basically you don't have a choice but to hold on to hope again. Through this battle with yourself, you find a new resilience that you never knew you had. You look for the lessons and learn them as you go through. It never ever gets easier as time goes on, but you do learn to live with it alongside you.
Until once again, you are ready to have a whole new IVF round or a frozen embryo transfer again. Look back on your journey and think wow, we did that shit! I still can't believe it when I watch the videos back with my husband.
I would say, steal some time away for yourselves. Have a little getaway if you can to recover with each other. Laugh and drink with some friends if it makes you feel better. Treat yourself to a massage, nails new hair whatever. Treat your husband to a massage too! Find something on group on, just anything to give yourselves a big huge well done for everything you have been through.
To honour our little pearl who couldn't be, my husband and I are creating a scrap book full of memories about our journey to parenthood. I can't wait to sit with our little ones and show them how we got to where we are, and how much we wanted them in our lives.
Love,
Blue moon girl x
Transfer day was upon us, we were so excited! I had to take the horrid progesterone beforehand, the one that melts in your pants and makes you feel depressed and bloated. However, on this day I was excited! I tried to drink water as instructed in the car, and popped the Valium my doctor prescribed me half way into the journey. I needed Valium as I have a scarred cervix due to LLETZ surgery and passing anything through can be rather painful. If you find it painful too, ask for Valium. We set off an hour and fifteen minutes ahead of our transfer time.
Then we got stuck in traffic, and were 30 minutes late for our appointment. Luckily my Valium kicked in and I gave no shits. I rang the hospital relaxed and explained we were late even though we set off with more than enough time. My husband stress fully parked outside as I got upstairs, the process was rushed as the doctor went quickly through the paper work. He had surgeries to do after all and we were 30 minutes behind! We found out we had 6 embabies altogether, I was so relieved.
Embryo Transfer:
The transfer is done with the doctor, nurse and one or two embryologists present. We were told we had a 5AA embryo, the best you can get! They would pass a small catheter through the cervix into the womb. They would then load our precious little baby embryo and pass it safely from the catheter into my womb where it would hopefully stay snug for 9 months. Our clinic also provides embryo glue for free on your first round.
Ivf is weirdly like the fanciest meal you ever had.You have the mains, IVF/ICSI but you may also have some side dishes at a hefty extra cost. These range from an endometrial scratch to things like embryo glue. You can have these add ons in hope you up your chances on getting pregnant. Embryo glue is meant to up your chances, so our clinic hands this side dish out free on your first free go on the NHS, to help us infertile people out. Thanks guys!
Then it happened, Sam rushed in from the car park and I was in la la Valium land. It was a really
nice place to be, I hardly noticed everyone in the room. Then it was complete, and we saw on the ultrasound a bright little pearl. The doctor told us our baby was in there and I sobbed my eyes out. Part relief, part being high, and partly letting go of all the doubt and emotions I'd held on to for so long. It's so strange having professionals literally look after your baby, you long to keep your baby safe in your womb. So knowing your baby made it this far, which is a miracle in itself after all the bad news, and is now with you is overwhelming. He handed us our photo, circled our baby and said "Look, there's a little you in there. Go home and rest, good luck! It's all looking good and your embryo is hatching!" I again sobbed and stared at the picture all the way home.
This was the first time in years that we had hope, our baby was actually there. A little live being hatching out of the egg, growing and dividing into our baby! We were ecstatic, and exhausted.
Progesterone:
Every day twice a day, I had to take progesterone suppositories. Once in the morning I lay for 30 minutes, then once at night around 9pm but not too strict. I'd have to try and keep the night time one in. However, when you enter the hell on Earth that is the two week wait you have 30 minutes or more a day to do nothing but think about whether this has worked or not. Progesterone also brings with it depression and general low mood, both of which I felt for a while. My tip would be to download games onto your phone and stock up on panty liners. Although NOTHING stops you from thinking about it.
Two week wait:
The two week wait was torture, I was fine the first 4 days after embryo transfer. Smug that our little embaby was safe in my womb. I'd walk around talking to it, showing it pictures staring at the ultrasound. However as time went on I lost hope, I packed my schedule but nothing could stop the constant worrying and obsessing.
The thing is, of course nothing is going to stop you thinking about it. This is something you've worked towards for years and now it's here. You're not going to suddenly switch off everything and not think about what's happening unless you're a robot. Well meaning advice givers told me to stay busy when I shared my frantic am I or am I not pregnant thoughts with them. "Keep busy!" but trust me, it's NOT that simple.
I still found time to google symptoms, sneak a test (all negatives) here and there. I just wanted to know if this major thing we had gone through together had been successful. I cried almost everyday from 7 days past our transfer until the end. The hormones, stress and journey just get to you. It's totally normal to feel this way! I was also convinced by day 7 that our transfer hadn't worked.
Test Day:
On a morning out for breakfast with my friends, the bleeding started the day before test day. I knew it was over. I tried to tell myself it could be implantation as I was due to have lunch with my mother in law, whose hope I did not want to ruin so I kept it together and kept quiet. Until I got home and rang the clinic who informed me bleeding at this point wasn't good and I was to prepare for a negative. I rang my husband, and he came home. We cried.
The next day on test day we were still holding on to a tiny bit of hope. The nurse came to get us, tears filled her eyes as she explained that the baby had not fully attached. This round sadly hadn't worked, and we had to wait for our baby to pass. She had been with us from the beginning of all this, from the set backs to the cancelled IVF rounds. It was nice to see her so invested, which I wasn't expecting, emotionally in our journey. She held me as did my husband as I sobbed. We listened to the possible reasons why it didn't work this time and arranged to see our doctor.
When IVF/ICSI doesn't work:
Life had to simply go on, with some time to mourn we had to get back to it. Every step in everyday has to mask how miserable we are to not have our baby with us any longer. Something we have become quite good at over the years. We are taking full advantage of the free counselling and I have decided to focus on our journey to baby full time. To me this is my Everest, my mission to get through in life. It might not sound exciting to some, however this journey has taken the same amount of time as my degree did. This is now like my second degree, which will hopefully have me graduate into mother hood and give my husband the chance to become a father.
No one tells you how depressed and horrific it can get when things like this don't work. A lot of feelings are due to the stress but also the drugs coming out of your system. I started having panic attacks, loss of appetite amongst other things. I spoke to a friend who had to be signed off work for four weeks 3 months after a failed IVF. Work places need to take fertility issues seriously, after all this is a treatment for an illness. Imagine if your treatment fails, that's what so many of us experience. The despair, the loss, the grief all at once. But carry on!
Because basically you don't have a choice but to hold on to hope again. Through this battle with yourself, you find a new resilience that you never knew you had. You look for the lessons and learn them as you go through. It never ever gets easier as time goes on, but you do learn to live with it alongside you.
Until once again, you are ready to have a whole new IVF round or a frozen embryo transfer again. Look back on your journey and think wow, we did that shit! I still can't believe it when I watch the videos back with my husband.
I would say, steal some time away for yourselves. Have a little getaway if you can to recover with each other. Laugh and drink with some friends if it makes you feel better. Treat yourself to a massage, nails new hair whatever. Treat your husband to a massage too! Find something on group on, just anything to give yourselves a big huge well done for everything you have been through.
To honour our little pearl who couldn't be, my husband and I are creating a scrap book full of memories about our journey to parenthood. I can't wait to sit with our little ones and show them how we got to where we are, and how much we wanted them in our lives.
Love,
Blue moon girl x
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