My Mad FET Diary: Entry Five; Graduation & Transfer

 

Now let us go forward to March 2020, Miss Rona was in the house spreading herself all over the lands. However, we weren't as afraid of her as we are now. The fertility clinics closed shortly after our transfer and there was a mad rush to fit everyone in.

6.3.20

I have graduated in FET school, yesterday I had my scan and they said my lining is thick and juicy just like those rap video girls. So that was a big fat relief, I was also excited to learn that I could stop my buserelin injections! However, I was to continue oestrogen and start the waxy bullets of pure hell. FML! So, oestrogen 3 times a day and waxy bullets of hell twice a day 8am and 8pm.  Again, buy pantyliners as these are knicker ruiners. Great! I fucking hate progesterone.

So basically when you take progesterone suppositories up your vagina you have to lay there for half an hour to an hour. Ideally as long as you can. The annoying thing is the big side effect of low mood and depression. So when you insert these waxy bullets the depression kitty from Big Mouth comes and sits on you. It makes it very hard to get out of bed or do anything. You literally must force yourself up and out. Even then, you get tired after a small task and try to resist the urge to get back to bed. It’s a never ending story of hormones and hatred.

The great news is, we’re all good for the transfer on the 11^th of March! We even got to meet our embryologist, who I must say looked like a fairy Godmother. Coincidence, I think not! They suggested 1 embryo at a time as I have basically no cervix so twins might be hard to carry. The good news is, if one doesn’t thaw they defrost another the same day. Phew!

12.3.20

So the day before transfer I decided to trim the forest so to speak. I actually ended up cutting myself on the right lip, fuck my life. How would I explain this to the doctor? “Sorry I was trimming so you could actually see my vagina and I cut myself.” I ended up putting some natural aloe gel on it and it did heal, no weird plasters here!

On the 11^th of March at 2.48pm, we finally had our embryo transfer! We were meant to have our transfer at 12.45pm, and no reason was given for the delay which was a bit shitty. I just figured someone needed an emergency appointment. In the morning we went for an amazing brunch at Medicine. I was wracked with nerves, but managed to eat all the food. I then proceeded to fill my bladder ready for the transfer.

When we got there, we were seated and I was desperate for the loo. DESPERATE. I hovered the halls, got a poor nurse and asked if I could pee. She said yes because the doctor was not going to be back until 1pm. I let some out and kept the rest in, it was painful. I actually had to let some out 5 times because it took fucking forever for the doctor to come!

I lay on the bed eventually at 2.23pm, and all I could think was how much I needed to pee, My husband was excitedly talking, but I couldn’t focus. I ran to the loo in the room twice to let a bit more out. By the time the doctor arrived, I was sure I was going to wee on him. He recognised us from before and had a little chat, then popped that lovely speculum in. It was painful, because I was desperate for a wee and speculums are not comfortable. The nurse scanned which again felt horrid with a full bladder, I really did take for granted being able to pee freely.

Then the doctor located and cleaned my cervix and had a little chat with me. It’s hard to maintain a conversation when you’re trying not to pee and are in discomfort. Then he tried to put the catheter in and my heart dropped. “ I’m sorry, I can’t get it through, Your cervix is back to a pin point.” I don’t remember much, but my husband said I looked at him absolutely distraught and he never wants to see that look on my face again. Everything went through my head, all the lining I’d worked so hard on growing for our baby. All the injections, all the emotional turmoil for nothing. What about our baby? What happens to that little embryo now? Does it just die? The nurse said it’s OK and held my hand, he said “Please put the embryo in the incubator.”

He and my husband were briefly talking but I couldn’t hear, I was slowly falling into a sense of nothingness. I felt numb. All I said was” What now? I really need the loo.” He said “OK, I’m going to let you go to the toilet no-“He then tried again, I felt so much pain but didn’t make a sound. I didn’t care, I needed to do this. I couldn’t let our embryo die. Then he said “Oh I’m in! Please bring the embryo through.” He turned the screen and we saw a woosh enter my womb. My husband was ecstatic and I smiled, but I felt totally out of it. I felt genuinely traumatised by the emotional rollercoaster.  He took everything out and they checked, all was clear. I was shocked. I just said “Is it in there?” He said “ Yes you saw it go in!” I knew I did, but I wasn’t sure after everything.

Before they left the whole team congratulated me and said “well done” for getting through it. It was like giving birth in reverse, but also nothing like birth. I wouldn’t have a clue about actual birth, but I imagine everyone congratulates you and says well done after. As soon as the last person left, I hopped off and ran to the loo. Relieved, I came back and hugged my husband. He said he’d never been more proud of me.

Then we were on our way home to start the horrific two week wait, yey! We got some McDonalds fries and headed home. We didn’t get a photo this time, because I forgot to ask for one. Wish me and my sanity luck.

Love, Blue moon girl xx