Notes On Motherhood: Part One

 It has been five months since my daughter arrived into this world. Five months of the most unconditional love, devotion, anxiety and stress I have ever experienced. Before I had my daughter, friends warned me about postpartum anxiety and all the rest of the ups and downs. Usually quickly followed by " But that won't happen with you, you were a room leader of a baby room. You'll know exactly what you're doing."

Fast forward to the 17th of November at about 1pm when I'd finally been wheeled to the ward. I was totally out of it and asked the midwife "So when do I change her? Do I just feed her when she cries?" The midwife looked puzzled and said "No. You don't want that, just follow her cues like when she sucks on her fists." DUH! I knew this!!! But after birth your mind is gone, and in my case I had a bunch of meds in me and my lower half couldn't move. Those first three months went by in a blur of mastitis, tears, laughter and hours of staring at this tiny being I'd longed for. I also lost my supply after two weeks, something I'd been warned about due to all my health issues. I had always sang the words 'fed is best' however the pressure to breastfeed is immense. When you can't do that, it can lead to you feeling like a failure. Let me tell you you are not a failure! Breastfeeding is NOT easy, and if you simply don't want to just so you can get your body back that's fine too.

In the first three weeks I had developed postpartum anxiety. I had the usual feelings of my baby will probably die if I don't check on her sleeping. However, I also had some other not so average thoughts. I was worried someone was going to take my baby away from me. Anyone that walked past, or any noise I heard. I cried to my husband in a hormone fuelled mess that I was certain she would either die or be taken away. I was so use to the good news bad news cycle that infertility brings, my daughter was here perfectly healthy and safe. I was on the edge waiting for the bad news. I called my doctor and we had a chat about things, she reassured me that this was a normal worry for someone who had been through what I had been through. 

One thing I was not prepared for when my daughter arrived was the effect her crying had on my whole physical and mental being. When I was once a practitioner I would harp on to reassure the crying mother leaving her baby "It's OK Mum, their cries are tailored to you so that makes things extra difficult. Take your time it will get better!" PAH! I said the words, I had no idea what it actually meant. When she cries, boy is it tailored to me! My whole body hurts and the stress is unbearable. I will move mountains to calm her. Also, it always sounds worse to you than to anyone else. Luckily three of my friends had babies around the same time and said they all experienced this.

When they say it takes a village, it really does! The pandemic threw us into things from the get go. We had no choice but to crack on with it. Once we were allowed my Mum came over quite a bit and cooked for us. That little task was so helpful, a lot of times we had no time to cook as we adjusted to our new lives. So when my Mum rang and asked "What do you want to eat this week?" It was music to our ears. She would come and help with the baby too and give me words of wisdom. I don't know what I would have done without my Mum, and my heart goes out to anyone not living close to their families. 

A lot of the times I don't know if I'm getting it right. Sometimes I wonder if I'm approaching things as a practitioner or a parent. I've never been a parent before, this is all brand new to me. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just muddling through the day rather than living in the moment. But when she smiles and laughs, I know I'm doing something right.

Motherhood isn't easy, and I was under no impression it would be. I'd hate it when people would respond to my fertility journey with "Pffttt you wanna have mine for a few hours?! You have no idea how hard it is enjoy yourself!" I hated being told to "enjoy myself" every five minutes after expressing this awful thing I was going through. No one actually said anything that was useful. 

For me personally what I found is that once you're a Mum, naturally everything changes. It is the most wonderful thing watching this person you grew become who they are. It is also perfectly fine and natural to wake up from the depression cloud, and mourn the young care free you. When I had my daughter, she truly healed me. For three years I had been wandering in  depression so heavy I had never felt like myself. Then I became her mother, and I was happier but also getting to grips with this new me. I think back to me in my early twenties, before the operations before any responsibility with a lot of nostalgia. I will never be who I was, but I will always be this new me. I am learning to become comfortable in my new skin, while accepting the old me may never fully return. And that's perfectly fine!

Oh also my Blue moon girl insta has been locked out, someone hacked into the email I was using and I can't get in.  So for now when I get some time I will write and update you on here.

Love, blue moon girl xx