Merry Christmas
On the weekend I went Christmas shopping, kind of last minute as I've had a lot happen. I felt fine that week, I didn't think about being infertile too often or the whole IVF thing. Or the fact ours has now been pushed back to an unconfirmed date. I'd let myself eat, drink and be merry. I was fine shopping until I took myself for lunch, something I do every now and then as I enjoy my own company. However this time was different, this time I was very aware that I was surrounded by families. Mums chasing toddlers, kids colouring, families laughing, parents pissed off that their kid won't eat. I suddenly felt alone, very alone without my non existent baby. I kept my head down and finished my meal.
Then I noticed a Mum holding her baby while her toddler ate on the sofa next to her staring at me. She looked a little tired, but happy still with a half smile. I wondered, was she watching me wishing that she could have a solo lunch just one more time without puke on her top and a toddler running wild? Maybe she was.
Last Christmas we had just returned from our trip in Budapest where we had officially started to try. We had our first married Christmas, set the table all fancy and had the works. Everything was perfect, we talked about our future plans and how excited we were to be parents. Our family came over in the evening and we played games and ate party food. The night came to an end and we were tidying up and talking about the night. I excitedly exclaimed "Next Christmas we'll have a little baby!"
This Christmas we spent Christmas eve with my family, had our own Christmas day and spent boxing day with my in laws. We wanted a peaceful relaxing Christmas day to celebrate each other and the shit we've been through. Without having to watch other children rip open gifts excitedly while feeling the aching absence of our own non existent child we were so excited to have by our side. However, this Christmas day was still laced with a silent sadness of our empty nursery room to be. I couldn't help but think of last year and how desperately we want a child. How I would love to announce to my husband that I was going to make him a father. I cried a little bit and let myself do so.
There is so much pressure to be happy at Christmas and to put on a show. It's nice to take that pressure away by being kind to yourself. We so needed this Christmas tradition of being together on our own and reflecting. We enjoyed our Christmas dinner made with love, and sat at the table to drink, eat and laugh about the year that is falling behind us. We spoke about the craziness of it all, and the craziness to come. We drank and slept then ate some more. It was lovely.
To all my parents in waiting, I feel your pain. I see you watching the families around you with an aching silent heart and a brave face. I see you running to the bathroom to cry as another pregnancy announcement is made. I see you buying your nieces and nephews gifts longing to buy something for your own child. I see you dreaming of next Christmas, saying with hope in your heart "Next Christmas we will have a baby." and you know what, I really hope you do.
Lots of love,
Blue moon girl x
Then I noticed a Mum holding her baby while her toddler ate on the sofa next to her staring at me. She looked a little tired, but happy still with a half smile. I wondered, was she watching me wishing that she could have a solo lunch just one more time without puke on her top and a toddler running wild? Maybe she was.
Last Christmas we had just returned from our trip in Budapest where we had officially started to try. We had our first married Christmas, set the table all fancy and had the works. Everything was perfect, we talked about our future plans and how excited we were to be parents. Our family came over in the evening and we played games and ate party food. The night came to an end and we were tidying up and talking about the night. I excitedly exclaimed "Next Christmas we'll have a little baby!"
This Christmas we spent Christmas eve with my family, had our own Christmas day and spent boxing day with my in laws. We wanted a peaceful relaxing Christmas day to celebrate each other and the shit we've been through. Without having to watch other children rip open gifts excitedly while feeling the aching absence of our own non existent child we were so excited to have by our side. However, this Christmas day was still laced with a silent sadness of our empty nursery room to be. I couldn't help but think of last year and how desperately we want a child. How I would love to announce to my husband that I was going to make him a father. I cried a little bit and let myself do so.
There is so much pressure to be happy at Christmas and to put on a show. It's nice to take that pressure away by being kind to yourself. We so needed this Christmas tradition of being together on our own and reflecting. We enjoyed our Christmas dinner made with love, and sat at the table to drink, eat and laugh about the year that is falling behind us. We spoke about the craziness of it all, and the craziness to come. We drank and slept then ate some more. It was lovely.
To all my parents in waiting, I feel your pain. I see you watching the families around you with an aching silent heart and a brave face. I see you running to the bathroom to cry as another pregnancy announcement is made. I see you buying your nieces and nephews gifts longing to buy something for your own child. I see you dreaming of next Christmas, saying with hope in your heart "Next Christmas we will have a baby." and you know what, I really hope you do.
Lots of love,
Blue moon girl x
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