My Mad FET Diary: Entry Four

Written February 2020 21.2.20 Today is my husband’s birthday! Yey! We started the day with a scan at the hospital, everything’s looking good and we start our second lot of meds. Not until the 25th though, so just the usual until then. For his birthday we stayed at…The Malmaison! My fantasy run away from infertility came partly true. Can I just say, the staff are so incredibly lovely here and are just the most attentive and friendly people. We had a drink at the bar, bantered with the bar staff then went for dinner at rodizio rico, I highly recommend. It was such a wonderful time, we just enjoyed each other’s company and forgot about the infertility shit for a bit. I then did my shot at the hotel before we headed out to the next outing I had planned. I had planned for us to go to a secret 1920’s speakeasy bar. Also…I finally had the beef bao bun!!!!! It was everything I could have wished for and more. It was incredible! I really loved this weekend, I think I’ll remember it for years to come. 26.2.20 Yesterday I started to take not one, not two, but THREE oestrogen tablets every day. In the morning, afternoon and evening. I am slowly losing my shit, my memory is awful! I feel like I’m in ‘the sunken place’ in Get Out. A shell of my former, rational, normalish self. I have such low days, the other day I just started crying and saying I didn’t want to do my shots anymore. They make me feel like a freak, I’m getting a lot of symptoms. My husband said we could stop if I wanted to as he hates seeing me like this, but at 8pm I drew my meds and zapped them in as per usual. We’re so close now, I couldn’t really dream of giving up. My husband was also relieved, he really wants this to work and so do I. Also, sorry if it’s TMI but my fluids down there since taking the oestrogen have been a lot more. I suggest getting panty liners if you’re going on the FET journey. I can remember a friend saying they once trashed their place whilst on the meds. At the time I thought they were being dramatic, but I honestly see why! The down regs are so much worse than the menopur. Yes, the FET cycle is less intrusive in the sense you don’t have the operation and discomfort which I am grateful for. However, mentally it’s a different story. These meds have fucked with my mental health, and I know this isn’t really me. That’s how I’m getting through it, reminding myself that this isn’t truly me and just the medication. Also while trying to sort the spare room, my husband found the commando Dad book I got him two years ago. On his birthday I thought I was pregnant. We’d been trying for a while so I got him a few things. I wasn’t pregnant, so I hid it all for whenever I was. He’s now reading it, but I feel cautious like I need to control his optimism somehow. I keep saying “Don’t get your hopes up, remember what happened last time!” He says “I know, it just helps me to be positive and get excited.” The good thing about this round is a lot less people know, and if they do I haven’t told them dates. So I’m not having to control anyone’s expectations or constantly update a bunch of people. I have also got more adventurous with my drug taking locations. I now feel like a real hardcore (legal) drug user. I have done it in the bathroom of my friend’s house, a local restaurant, my Mum’s house and a hotel room. I decided to try drug taking in other locations not just for fun, but because I refuse to let infertility completely take away my evenings altogether. If I feel well and up to it, I shall go to the ball! 28.2.20 I am finally getting use to the drugs! Kind of. The depression is lifting more each day, I’m still tired after my injection though. It’s getting harder to not see people especially in the evenings, but I have to think of myself. Today I’ve been a bit crampy and not feeling great but feeling in a good mood so that’s good. Had to make an excuse not to go out for my brother in laws birthday meal and my sisters birthday weekend. I just want to be at home, with my drugs in peace. I honestly wish for the FET process at this stage with two weeks until transfer they would just keep me in hospital for the next month. Then when people ask to see me Sam can go “Oh she’s in hospital, here’s the visiting hours.” I think that would be the way forward. I have to say, even though the making excuses and sneaking about Is hard, it is so much easier this time without the pressures of people knowing. Those who do know do not know timelines, so I’m not bombarded with messages about appointments etc. I personally don’t like the extra attention that comes with going through treatment, and of course the well-meaning comments that sometimes hit you wrong. I enjoy being ‘normal’ or as normal as I can be while going through treatment. I’m generally just feeling unsociable, and if I see certain people, I know I may let on more than I normally would to please them. I think people close to you can sometimes feel entitled to know more, even if you express you’re only comfortable giving them some information. It’s natural of course, people are invested in your life and want to know. So when they don’t, it could come across as insulting or annoying. Really though, at the end of the day they will respect you if they are truly close to you. Love, Blue moon girl x