Bluemoonbaby

 It has been five months since my daughter arrived into this world. Five months of the most unconditional love, devotion, anxiety and stress I have ever experienced. Before I had my daughter, friends warned me about postpartum anxiety and all the rest of the ups and downs. Usually quickly followed by " But that won't happen with you, you were a room leader of a baby room. You'll know exactly what you're doing." Fast forward to the 17th of November at about 1pm when I'd finally been wheeled to the ward. I was totally out of it and asked the midwife "So when do I change her? Do I just feed her when she cries?" The midwife looked puzzled and said "No. You don't want that, just follow her cues like when she sucks on her fists." DUH! I knew this!!! But after birth your mind is gone, and in my case I had a bunch of meds in me and my lower half couldn't move. Those first three months went by in a blur of mastitis, tears, laughter and hours...

  17.3.20 7dp5dt- I think we may have done it guys…I think I might be pregnant! Yesterday I experienced period cramps, a headache and slight nausea. I put it down to giving up caffeine and told my husband to not get his hopes up because I was pretty sure we were out. I had period like cramps   last time and it wasn’t good news. So I was sure that I would wake up to see the red demon dancing in my pants soon. I was having a dream where I was sitting on a wall made of rocks at night, my dreams have been vivid. I told the random dream person “You know I feel a bit sick, I think I’m going to take a test when I wake up.” My husband’s alarm for work went off, I woke up and still felt sickish. I took the clear blue test expecting the stark white line to stay. As I prepared to bin it, a very slight line appeared. What the fuck. I stared longer, turned on the lights held it up looked again. Nope, a definite faint line. I ran in woke my husband up and dragged him to the loo “Do yo...

  Now let us go forward to March 2020, Miss Rona was in the house spreading herself all over the lands. However, we weren't as afraid of her as we are now. The fertility clinics closed shortly after our transfer and there was a mad rush to fit everyone in.

Written February 2020 21.2.20 Today is my husband’s birthday! Yey! We started the day with a scan at the hospital, everything’s looking good and we start our second lot of meds. Not until the 25th though, so just the usual until then. For his birthday we stayed at…The Malmaison! My fantasy run away from infertility came partly true. Can I just say, the staff are so incredibly lovely here and are just the most attentive and friendly people. We had a drink at the bar, bantered with the bar staff then went for dinner at rodizio rico, I highly recommend. It was such a wonderful time, we just enjoyed each other’s company and forgot about the infertility shit for a bit. I then did my shot at the hotel before we headed out to the next outing I had planned. I had planned for us to go to a secret 1920’s speakeasy bar. Also…I finally had the beef bao bun!!!!! It was everything I could have wished for and more. It was incredible! I really loved this weekend, I think I’ll remember it for ye...

Transfer day: Transfer day was upon us, we were so excited! I had to take the horrid progesterone beforehand, the one that melts in your pants and makes you feel depressed and bloated. However, on this day I was excited! I tried to drink water as instructed in the car, and popped the Valium my doctor prescribed me half way into the journey. I needed Valium as I have a scarred cervix due to LLETZ surgery and passing anything through can be rather painful. If you find it painful too, ask for Valium. We set off an hour and fifteen minutes ahead of our transfer time. Then we got stuck in traffic, and were 30 minutes late for our appointment. Luckily my Valium kicked in and I gave no shits.  I rang the hospital relaxed and explained we were late even though we set off with more than enough time. My husband stress fully parked outside as I got upstairs, the process was rushed as the doctor went quickly through the paper work. He had surgeries to do after all and we were 30 minutes beh...

After being put on the short protocol of IVF/ICSI, daily injections, and daily scans it was time for our egg retrieval. I got up extra early, showered but avoided perfumes as instructed by the nurse. Shaved my lady area so it was semi presentable, and tried to do a nervous poo. Exactly 36 hours after our trigger shot, we were at the hospital at 6.30 am. I waited as Sam parked the car, still feeling not with from lack of sleep and the cocktail of HCG, Fyrmedal and Menopur swimming through my body. The whole experience was a blur. MTV Cribs: Shortly after filling out the correct forms, a nice man appeared to show us to our room. We had a whole fricking room! This was luxury as someone who has had their share of NHS operations. Normally all you get is a shoddy curtain between you. It suddenly became an episode of cribs, I bounced around showing off the assets. Here we had a TV, a wardrobe, a bed and one of those cool slidey tables so you literally don't have to move. There was a ...

After months of waiting, one hysteroscopy and hundreds of prods of my lady area it was finally our turn. We had kind of given up, having being told IVF would probably start in 2020. However, upon recovering from my operation I called the clinic and they scheduled another embryo trial transfer straight away. It was successful. That meant, we would be starting our first cycle of IVF October 2019! The same week as national fertility week. This had to be some sort of crazy sign from the universe. IVF: We had our meeting again with our Dr and the nurses, they talked through all the procedure again then told me to call them as soon as my period starts. W e went out for food after, it didn't seem real. We had so many set backs I was afraid to allow myself to get excited. So I just felt gut wrenchingly sick, I stared at my food and was unable to eat. I felt like someone was going to call us and take it all away from us again.  After a few days had passed and I was convinced it wa...

It feels good to be back. I've missed connecting with you all and sharing mine and my husbands journey with you. I've decided to continue blogging. I am also writing this quite hungover. Haters gonna hate! So, not long ago now we had to go in for an embryo transfer trial. This is basically the embryo transfer done with some solution. The technician presses down on your stomach with the ultrasound, this is fun because your bladder is full, then the doctor tries to push a catheter through your cervix to place the embryo. Not everyone has to have a trial of this, but I'm special! I have a scarred cervix due to a lletz  procedure I had done a while ago. The doctor suggested we do this to just make sure since my HSG was such a massive flop. Waiting, again: A few days before the trial we had our information counselling. This is where they talk through IVF in detail with you. They show you a little flip chart of how things should go, what drugs to take, when to take them ...

Next week is our information counselling, I believe this is the step right before or start of the whole IVF cycle. I don't really know what to expect,  but from what I've read they will talk us through in detail about it all and what we need to do. I am shitting it. Every time we have an appointment, something has gone wrong or we have had a set back. I am so nervous for this to be the case again. I haven't been great lately, not sleeping much and eating very little. Every time I have tried to eat a proper meal this week I have felt like throwing up. I do suffer with anxiety, and this is a really anxious time for me. I am so scared too walk in and for them to say "Sorry, we have to abandon this cycle." Or "We can do it we just need to do another op." I can't handle anymore set backs on my journey to my baby.  Also, I am still working full time with children even though I have requested to reduce my hours. There are tons of germs and illnesses fly...

Welcome to our new, more expensive in the long run, wilder, 'cooler' journey with ICSI.  That was me trying to tell it to myself. ICSI is the same exact process as IVF, but they pick the best swimmers and inject it into the egg. I've included a link of a video in the ICSI bit above. I watched it and was a bit jarred by how they tried to flick the egg off the holding place, but I guess they know what they're doing and won't crack the eggs. "But girl." I hear you all say, "didn't you say  you had lots of eggs and your husband's sperm was fine now, so why ICSI all of a sudden?" Sit down, grab a hot cup of tea or coffee and a snack. Because I'm about to tell you some shit that's going to blow your brain! Waiting: The waiting room was beautiful, carved wood and patterned 18th century ceilings and a free coffee machine. I hadn't had much time to get ready, so my hair was soaking wet and I just about had time to draw o...